


Another Beach Year

by hops



Series: Sizzled Out [6]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Mental Illness, Multi, Post-Canon, Recovery, Trauma, choose joy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-02-03 19:06:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12754356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hops/pseuds/hops
Summary: The only direction from rock bottom is up.Magnus pushes too far. Merle extends an invitation. Taako spends a year at Bottlenose Cove.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey? Hi? Here's my nanowrimo 2017 project? I'm very excited about it. 
> 
> This... is pretty heavy for the first couple chapters- I promise this is a story about recovery, but it deals with some pretty tough stuff before then, and after. So here's a few trigger warnings for alcohol use/abuse, arguments worthy of being labeled "domestic disturbances," and a lot of negative self-talk and thoughts that are indicative of depression/suicidal ideation etc. But I promise it eventually will get better!! 
> 
> Also this is not suuuuper ship heavy after the beginning? But I included the relationships in the tags anyway. Basically, if you haven't read the others in the series: serious Magcretia and casual Taagnus TSC-post-canon, serious Taakitz TAZ-post-canon, pretty much everyone is poly and it's cool. 
> 
> Big ups to WDA for the encouragement and @epersonae for being my second set of eyes on this one, as usual? 
> 
> Hope you enjoy? I'm @magcretia on tumblr so come hmu

“You almost ready, dear?” 

Kravitz stood in the doorway, meeting Taako’s eyes in the mirror as he finished clasping an oversized golden hoop to his ear. Taako offered a halfhearted smile. “Yeah, baby. Just give me a few minutes.” 

“You said that a few minutes ago.” 

Taako swiped something mauve and matte over his lips, let it dry for a few moments, then walked to Kravitz and kissed his cheek. As he leaned back to check his boyfriend’s dark skin and found it clean, he sighed contentedly. “This is baller lipstick, m’dude.”

Kravitz smiled and gave him a quick peck. “Well, I hope I can smudge it off later.” 

“In your dreams.” 

As Taako turned back to the mirror, mascara in hand, Kravitz couldn’t help but notice the bags beneath his eyes that Taako hadn’t been able to quite conceal. He’d grown used to them by now, but there was something about seeing him all made up and still so worn down that made his heart twist in his chest.

The silken dress Taako had picked out dipped low into a V that trailed down nearly all the way to the small of his back. Kravitz could see the knots of his spine as Taako leaned forward, lips parted in focus, to swipe mascara onto his long eyelashes. 

“Don’t you think we’re a little overdressed for the Chug ‘n’ Squeeze?” Taako mused. 

“Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s our anniversary. We can paint the town red.” 

“Purple?” 

Kravitz walked up behind him and kissed the top of his head. “Any color you want, darling.” 

“Hey, lovebirds!” Lup called from downstairs. “Hurry it up, the Weird Orb Express is here!” 

Taako finally finished his makeup and grabbed his purse from the counter. Kravitz led him down into the hall and out onto the front porch where Lup and Barry were headed towards the glass ball that was set to take them up to the moonbase. Tonight was Taako and Kravitz’s anniversary, but it was also Lucretia’s night to host family dinner. Taako wouldn’t have attended anyway, but at least this time he had an out. 

He wondered, with bitterness, if she had done it on purpose She probably had. She knew everything, and used it to her advantage, always. Classic Madam Director. Classic Lucretia. 

While Taako wasn’t paying attention, Barry and Lup shared a weary look. Something about this was a bad idea. But Kravitz was hellbent on bringing Taako back to the location of their first date. He’d rented out the whole place and everything. So long as their nights stayed separate, everything was set to go smoothly. 

The ball lifted them up and up until their home was a speck, the clouds surrounded them, and they drifted further and further into the saturated oranges and pinks of the setting sun. Taako slipped his hand into Kravitz’s and found it cold. 

“Boy howdy,” Taako murmured, calling back to their first date. 

Kravitz smiled, trying to look at Taako, but the elf had burrowed into his shoulder before he could get a look at him. 

Flying up to the moonbase was a little too familiar. Taako hadn’t done so in quite some time. He hadn’t needed to. He hadn’t  _ wanted  _ to. All the memories he had there flickered like dying lightbulbs, light and dark, real and not real. But always, exclusively now, bad. The port of the base slid open to allow them into the hangar. Taako tried not to think of the times he’d held Magnus’s hand at this same point in the ride. How he’d pressed against him that very first time, crowded into the ball with Killian, pushed into Magnus’s side and feeling heat coursing through him with an oddly familiar force. 

It all made sense now. The pull, the gravity. And how hard he’d crashed when Magnus cut him loose, because of it. 

Months later, it was still keeping him down. Magnus hadn’t contacted him. He hadn’t answered his calls, or the one letter he sent. He wanted to believe it was Lucretia on the other end, intercepting his attempts with malice. But he knew deep down that it wasn’t. It was just that Magnus didn’t want him around. 

Taako’s heart sank. He gripped Kravitz a little tighter as they slid into the hangar. Kravitz squeezed his hand twice, playfully, as Lup and Barry climbed out of the bubble first. 

“You okay?” Kravitz asked before moving towards the door. 

“Oh, yeah. You know me, baby, Taako’s feelin’ good. Anniversary time.” 

Kravitz let Taako ahead of him, who found Avi’s hand waiting for him at the platform. “Hey, Taako!! How you been?” 

“The same old, Avi, m’man. What’s new with you?” 

Kravitz exited the globe without assistance. He watched the old friends with a bemused expression.

“About the same. Hey, I got a promotion! Lead transportation coordinator.” 

Taako clapped him on the back. “Well, it’s about goddamn time, am I right? Keep it up, dude. I’ll see ya around here.” 

As they walked away and hooked arms once again, Kravitz leaned in and whispered in Taako’s ear. “He thinks you’re cute.” 

Taako looked up at him. “Avi? Nah, he’s just a fuckin’ nerd like that. Always has been.” 

Kravitz smirked. His eyes were trained straight ahead. “He  _ is _ kind of cute.” 

“Oh, no, don’t get any ideas.” 

Kravitz pulled him closer. “It  _ has _ been awhile since we’ve had anyone else around.” 

Taako smacked his arm, laughing in surprise. “No!”

It was the first genuine laugh he’d heard from Taako in a long time.

* * *

Lucretia paced the dining room of her home, one of the half-destroyed small buildings that had been restored into a house a while after the Story and Song, wringing her hands. Magnus peeked his head in through the doorway to the kitchen. 

“Potatoes are ready,” he alerted her, and she nodded. 

“Alright.” 

“Lucy, just sit down for a few minutes, okay? It’s going to be fine. If they didn’t want to come, they wouldn’t.” 

She fidgeted with the placement of a plate, centering it then re-centering it. She tugged on the corner of a folded napkin. 

“I’m starting to think this was a bad decision, dear,” Lucretia sighed. 

Magnus chuckled, ducking back into the kitchen but speaking loud enough so she could hear him. “Starting to? You’ve been dreading this since the day you planned it.” 

“I suppose so.” 

She left the long table alone and followed Magnus back into the kitchen where he was cooking dinner for them all. Three pots simmered simultaneously on the stovetop, and a turkey roasted in the oven, to boot. 

Magnus raised his free arm and nodded for her to come tuck herself into his side. She noted the warmth of his body and the way the tune he hummed under his breath tickled through his torso and onto her skin. She melted into him. There was something calming about his presence, always, no matter the circumstances. 

He held up a spoonful of some kind of wild rice. The seasonings smelled delicious as they wafted towards her. “Try it,” Magnus nodded, holding the spoon up to her mouth. She took a bite and nearly moaned aloud. “Good, right?” 

“Taako?” Lucretia asked. Thinking about him today brought anxiety, but most other days it’d gotten a tiny bit easier to talk about him with Magnus. They’d both decided to give him space until he was in a better place and, according to Lup, that day seemed quite distant if it’d even come at all. 

Magnus shook his head. “Nope. Actually, this was my mom’s. Spent a lot of time perfecting it from memory. Hey, can I tell you a secret?” 

Lucretia nodded. She loved when that childlike goofiness took his voice. It reminded her of when they were young. 

“Faerun’s got  _ way  _ better spices than back home did. So because of that, this is better than my mom’s. But  _ don’t ever  _ tell anyone that I said that, ‘cause I think she’d cross planes just to kick my ass.” 

She stole another bite before he put the spoon down beside the stove. “Your secret is safe with me,” she smiled, mouth still half-full of rice. When she’d finished chewing, Magnus pecked her on the lips. 

“Go sit and have some water.” But, as soon as he spoke, the doorbell rang. “Or, go get that, ‘cause I’ve got this.  _ Then  _ sit down and have some water.”

She wrung her hands. Magnus, sensing her hesitation, reached out and brushed her arm with his fingers. They shared a look and he nodded, and she headed into the coatroom to get the door. 

To her relief, Lup and Barry had arrived first. Lup pulled Lucretia into a hug immediately. Barry hung back with his hands in his pockets, but Lucretia noted that he was indeed wearing his special occasion jeans. He nodded to Lucretia in greeting. Not a wave, certainly not a hug, but it was so much better than silence. 

“Lucy! Thanks for having us! Sorry we didn’t bake, hectic day at the Astral Office, you know how it is,” Lup waved a hand, mimicking white-collar small talk. She pulled a half dozen pack of Fantasy Costco cupcakes from a portal she’d sliced in thin air with a quick flick of her scythe that came and went in a flash. Before the portal closed again, Lucretia heard the sound of Garfield hollering about stealing cupcakes  _ again. _

She cocked a brow. Lup grinned. 

“Oh, he’ll just put it on my tab. Shouldn’t saving the universe earn you a couple free desserts, anyway?” 

Barry rolled his eyes, taking the cupcakes from his wife’s hands and walking towards the kitchen. “You’d think. It didn’t even get us a free Fantasy Costco membership.”

Lup snorted and followed him into the house. 

“Maaa-aaaggie!” Lup sang, finding Magnus there shaking Barry’s hand, then pulling him in and slapping him on the back. 

“Hey, Lu,” he grinned. He hugged her and hoisted her up. “How’ve ya been?” 

“Can’t compl--” 

“Taste this!” Magnus beamed, shoving a spoonful of rice up to Lup’s mouth. She took a bite and grinned back at him. 

“Hachi machi! Who taught you to cook?” 

An awkward beat of silence passed through the room as her words lingered. 

She laughed lightly, quickly dispelling the uncomfortable energy that’d been created. “I know, I know. It was me. No need to thank me, dear.” 

Magnus glanced at Lucretia, who was looking out the window into the twilight at something far away. 


	2. Chapter 2

“You _rented out_ the _entire_ Chug ‘n’ Squeeze?”

Taako cackled, skipping a little as he entered the combination studio-and-bar establishment where they’d had their first date, that was kind of a date, but maybe wasn’t supposed to be a date. But he was glad that it’d turned out to be.

“Sure did.” Kravitz met him with a knowing smile, waiting for Taako to return to his side. They shared a kiss before Taako tugged on the lapels of Kravtiz’s jacket.

“You are buckwild, my man.” Taako shook his head. He took Kravtiz’s hand tightly in his own and walked among the rows of tables, sitting opposite the pottery wheels.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have dressed so nicely? I don’t want you to get clay all over your dress.”

Taako shrugged. “There’s a spell for everything. Also, dry cleaning.”

“Right.”

Kravitz had been sure to request that the mood be set upon arrival: candles flickering, string lights hanging above, some slow jazz humming soft and filling the room. Taako seemed happy, and Kravitz was glad for it. That was all he really wanted, after all.

Kravitz let go of Taako’s hand and walked around the bar to get behind the counter. Taako sauntered up and sat on a stool.

“Come here often, beautiful?”

Taako tossed his curls over his shoulder. “Sorry, I’ve got a man waiting on me.”

“What a shame. I can’t keep my eyes off you.”

Taako smirked, bashfully tracing a finger over the grain of the wooden countertop.

“What can I get for you?”

“Surprise me.”

Kravitz turned around to the wall of alcohol behind him and took a few bottles down, placing them on the counter before Taako, then mixing some kind of concoction of fruity liquors and spirits into his glass. With a long, heavy pour of something sparkly and red, Kravitz handed him the glass.

Taako took a sip and grinned. It tasted of mango and strawberry and a lot of liquor. Kravitz knew him well.

“Oh, hold on,” Kravitz said, and cast a quick mage hand to the other end of the bar, grabbing an umbrella and two cherries from a container nearby. He masterfully dropped the cherries into the drink, then set the umbrella on the edge of the glass with a smoky flourish of the evaporating spell. “There. Now it’s right.”

“It’s perfect.”

Kravitz mixed himself a quick martini and skewered a few extra olives on a toothpick for himself.

Taako made a noise of disgust. “I still don’t know how you drink that. It tastes like hairspray.”

Kravitz laughed warmly, reaching out to cover Taako’s hand with his own. His hand was even colder than usual from the cool glass of the bottles. “Have you been drinking a lot of hairspray lately, love?”

Taako snorted and hopped down from the stool, taking his drink with him. “You think you’re so clever, huh?”

Kravitz didn’t answer. He stepped back out from behind the bar, martini in hand, and trailed behind Taako to the pair of pottery wheels that had clay, slip, tools, and aprons ready and waiting for them. Taako put his apron on, then turned so he faced away from his boyfriend. “Help me with this, bubbeleh?”

Kravitz rolled his eyes with a grin. He knew damn well that Taako could do it himself, but he didn’t mind the chance to get close to him anyway. When he was done tying the strings into a neat bow, he groped from a quick handful of Taako’s ass. The elf yelped, then laughed, turning around to face the taller man.

“Keep that up and we’re gonna have to draw the blinds, don’tcha think?”

Kravitz tied his own apron, then straddled the bench of his pottery wheel. “I could think of worse outcomes for tonight.”

They settled into a fond silence as they slowly eased down on their pedals and started to smooth over their respective lumps of clay to center them. After some time, Taako made a noise of frustration.

“I can make bowls all day, but I can’t center the fuckin’ clay? Bullshit.”

“Let me try,” Kravitz hummed, stepping up from his seat and sitting right behind Taako.

Taako cocked a brow, turning to look behind him at Kravitz, who had already moved to settle into the crook of the elf’s shoulder. His breath fanned across Taako’s ear. “If I remember correctly, which I always do, because I’m me, wasn’t it _you_ who couldn’t throw pottery to save your life?”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t center.” Kravitz guided his hands over Taako’s, getting greyish smudges on the backs of his slender hands.

“Hmm, seems to me you just want an excuse to get up on me.”

Kravitz chuckled. The sound sent Taako’s stomach into a swarm of butterflies. “You might be right about that one...”

“What, are you trying to get all Fantasy Patrick Swayze on me now? You gonna go ghost, too?”

Kravitz scooted up closer behind him, pressing his chest to Taako’s exposed back. A shiver ran down Taako’s spine at the coolness that cut through Kravitz’s vest. “If you’re into that.”

Taako laughed and leaned back into his embrace, only half-paying attention to the spinning wheel under both their hands.

“Can’t believe it’s been three years,” Kravitz murmured.

“Me either,” Taako said, but he could believe it. Kravitz had been a light in all the dark, that much was true. He'd been a much needed reprieve from the bullshit of everything, and everyone, else.

He remembered the family dinner going on, so close to where they were. He lost focus for a moment.

The last three years had been heavy, emotionally taxing, wrought with fighting and nightmares and anger and tears. But Kravitz didn’t feel that, and he didn’t see the majority of it, either. It seemed like everyone else was getting better, and he was getting worse. It drew the days out longer. He tried to throw himself back into cooking, but he couldn’t disconnect his memories of cooking for his family on the Starblaster, nor could he break from the nightmares of his days traveling for Sizzle it Up. He’d lost touch with Magnus. He tried to talk about things with Lup, but he felt far away from her now. He felt it was due largely in part to him spending a decade thinking he’d been born into a world with a missing piece, and Lup spending a decade completely and entirely alone. She’d learned to channel that energy into meditation, or the patience to maintain what peace she could.

Taako had never learned that. No matter how many times she’d tried to guide him, meditation was useless these days. He spent days upon days awake, never stopping at night to slip into any kind of focused rest, then would crash and sleep as humans did for a night, and sometimes into the day, too. Sometimes, Lup had to coax him out of bed.

Sometimes, Kravitz would come home early, spend extra time with him just to lift his spirits. Taako knew he would never quite understand, but he was trying. Kravitz kept him sane much of the time. It was good for him to have someone outside of the complicated web of lives that had made up, then unraveled, then reformed the IPRE.

Reformed felt like a generous word.

Kravitz was trying. He was trying _really hard_ to pick up the mess that Lucretia and Magnus had left of Taako. He knew that Kravitz struggled with the back and forth, trying to balance the people in Taako’s life to the best of his ability while fielding the obstacles Taako kept tripping over as time went by. He just wanted to see Taako happy. And he told Taako this, over and over, but it was still so hard to believe. To think that someone could love him so much, that someone could care _so deeply,_ was a feeling that he was still struggling to accept and believe as true.

Taako tried to center his thoughts, but made little progress. He hummed under his breath to the ebb and flow of the muted trumpet solo playing softly above them if only to calm himself.

The buzz of Kravitz’s voice against his back roused him from his thoughts. “Love? What’s wrong?”

“Thank you,” Taako murmured in a rare moment of seriousness.

“For what?”

Taako sighed, pretending to focus on the clay. “For this. For, I don’t know… trying? For being here, and putting up with me. It’s probably not easy.”

“Loving you is easy. It has been, since day one.”

It wasn’t the whole truth; their relationship was work. Every relationship was. But loving Taako, it’d been so natural to him, and something he’d never expected. He dwelled for a moment in the memory of their first date, the clay smudges on wine glasses, the way his blonde hair had tumbled over his exposed shoulder, the sound of Taako’s nasally cackle that should have been off-putting, but made his unbeating heart leap in his chest.

It’d been strictly business. As usual, he hadn’t been very good at adhering to his job.

Taako shook his head. “Nothing about Taako is easy, baby. Y’gotta know that by now.”

“I love you. It’s not a matter of easy or hard.”

Kravitz kissed his cheek as Taako made a noncommittal noise.

“You know what?” Kravitz asked, but just as he did, his stone of farspeech rang loudly, interrupting the mood. He quickly wiped his hands on his apron and fished it from his pocket as he jumped up from the bench.

Taako whined, stopping the spinning of the wheel.

“Hello? I-- no, now _isn’t_ the best time--” Kravitz let out a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He exchanged a look of _sorry_ with Taako before he walked towards the back of the bar, towards the bathrooms. Taako couldn’t hear much, but he could tell the reaper was frustrated with whoever was on the other end. “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but this can wait-- no, no, I--” he sighed again, voice getting further away as he walked down the hall.

Taako slumped slightly on the bench and sucked down the rest of his drink. He stood up, washed his hands at the nearby sink, then hopped over the bar easily to pour himself a shot of cinnamon whiskey. It went down easy, and just for the hell of it, he poured himself one more.

“Kravvie, if that’s Lup or Barry, just hang up!” Taako called, but if Kravitz had heard, he didn’t answer.

He poured out a shot of vodka from the top shelf for Kravitz to toast with him and waited for him to return. He felt the buzz start to warm his hands, his cheeks, making him just a little giddy. He wanted to kiss Kravitz again. And again, and again, and again…

When Kravitz returned, though, he looked downtrodden. “Darling I… I have to go, just for a little bit, okay? It’s about work and I can’t exactly say no to a goddess.”

Taako’s heart sank rapidly. “I-- sure you can, didn’t you tell her that it’s…” he trailed off.

“She knows. And she wouldn’t ask this of me unless it was absolutely necessary. I’ll be back within an hour, if that. This will be quick. I promise,” he assured him, lacing his fingers into Taako’s to try and ease the cloudiness that had near-instantly turned the look in his eyes to gloom. “I promise, okay?”

“You shouldn’t go, that’s not fair of her to ask.”

“I promise. I’ll be back, and we can do whatever you want for the rest of the night. And I mean _whatever.”_

Taako made his best attempt at a smile. “Sure.”

“I’m sorry, dove.”

Taako leaned over the bar and kissed him. “Don’t worry ‘bout me. I’m all good.”

Kravitz knew it was a lie, but he had no other option but to summon his scythe and slice a hole out of thin air. His face morphed into bone and ruby red eyes. Taako didn’t have it in him to make a joke.

“I love you.”

“Love you too, Krav.”

And just like that, he was gone.

Taako looked around at the empty bar, their unfinished pottery, the string lights, the two shots in front of him. The soft jazz music had moved into something slow and melancholic.

He sighed and tried to center his thoughts into reality, but he was already dizzy with self-deprecation. “Jeezy creezy, guy, not everything is about you…” he spoke aloud to himself, elbows on the counter. “Take a fuckin’ breath.”

But he couldn’t. How appropriate. An anniversary and a family dinner, entirely alone.

The feeling wasn’t unfamiliar.

If Kravitz had rented out an open bar, he thought, he may as well make the best of it, right? He threw back the whiskey, then the vodka, then poured another, for good measure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks, as always, to @epersonae for being my second set of eyes and generally my partner in crime in all this nonsense? 
> 
> also the angst is Coming...so...beware


	3. Chapter 3

Magnus glanced around the table as everyone continued eating and drinking and exchanging stories. It’d been some time since they’d all seen each other last; to everyone’s surprise, Davenport had accepted their invitation. Magnus suspected he was there because of Merle’s encouragement, but nonetheless it was good to see him. He looked stronger now, tanned from days under the sun on the seas. He seemed happier. Reserved in Lucretia’s presence, perhaps not the happiest to be  _ there  _ specifically, just as Barry was. But overall, happier. Maybe peaceful was a better word.  

They all seemed to be finding some sort of peace, be it big or small. Magnus was grateful for that. 

Merle was telling a story about Mavis and Mookie following him into another Extreme Teen Adventure. As usual, Mavis had been keeping Merle’s head on his shoulders, and Mookie had been stirring up even more trouble than he had done as a rambunctious child. 

“Gettin’ too old to be dealin’ with this shit. Basically already raised four of you goddamn kids,” Merle chuckled, raising his bottle to Magnus, Lup, and Lucretia. 

“We were all adults when you met us, Merle.” 

Merle sipped his beer. “Don’t mean nothin’ when you’re blowin’ shit up, or scribblin’ in a notebook, or pickin’ fights at shitty bars with shifty types.” 

“I didn’t pick that fight, I was protecting my friend!” Magnus protested. “You fought them too, old man.” 

Lucretia flushed red at the memory of that first night they’d all spent together. It felt so far away now. She wouldn’t be the first to admit it before the whole team, but Merle  _ had  _ raised her in a way. Davenport had too. But she couldn’t even begin to dwell on  _ those  _ complicated feelings. 

“Anyone need another drink?” Lup offered. 

Everyone at the table nodded. “Bear? Come help?” 

Barry got up and followed Lup to the kitchen, leaving Magnus, Lucretia, Merle, and Davenport alone at the dining room table. 

“So, Dav, how’s sailing and all that going?” Magnus started, trying his best to fill the awkward silence that would have inevitably fallen without his aid. 

Davenport exchanged an unreadable look with Merle for a moment before speaking. “It’s good,” he nodded. “It’s nice. I’ve got a good core crew assembled. It’s… interesting, to have a new team. Difficult, after so much of the same. Not as comfortable. Kind of reminds me of the Institute, before we all really knew each other.” 

“Sure, sure,” Magnus nodded. “That’s great.” 

Magnus and Merle prodded with a few more questions, but Lucretia didn’t hear them. Her mind had drifted elsewhere. This conversation wasn’t for her; she was the one who’d shoehorned Davenport into a new life because of the decade he’d spent as a mockery of himself. 

Lup’s outstretched hand, cradling a full glass of dark purple wine, pulled her from her thoughts. 

“Drink up, babe. Looks like you need the sustenance.” 

Lucretia took the glass wordlessly and took a long sip. Davenport hadn’t made eye contact with her the whole night. She deserved as much, anyway. 

Barry set beers down for himself, Merle, and Magnus, carried between fingers in one hand, and set the package of cupcakes down in the middle of the table with the other. Merle grabbed a first. 

“These things ain’t half bad!” Merle exclaimed with a mouthful of chocolate cake. Lucretia couldn’t help but laugh. 

All things considered, this was as smoothly as the night could have gone. She’d imagined every nightmare scenario, agonized over every wrong word that could be spoken, worried herself sick over nobody showing up, but here they were, talking, laughing, drinking together. It felt almost like old times. 

Taako’s absence nagged at her like an old ache. She was relieved he hadn’t come, but melancholy, as always, at the position she’d put them both in where it seemed they’d permanently be at odds. She deserved as much on that front, too, but it didn’t make it feel any less wrong. She dwelled on their old table of their ship, long and white and surrounded by seven chairs. They weren’t full every year, but at the start of each new cycle, they were sure to have a big meal together before parting ways. Taako had done the cooking back then. 

Magnus passed her a cupcake. 

“I’ll eat the frosting if you don’t want it.” He winked. 

Lucretia smiled and peeled the wrapper away, then scraped the frosting onto his plate with a fork. Under the table, he found her hand and squeezed it tight.

* * *

An hour passed. 

Kravitz hadn’t come back. 

Taako was fall-down drunk.

He thought about calling him, but he knew he wouldn’t answer. He thought about calling Lup, but she was at family dinner. Did he really only have two people he could call? Did he really only have two people he could  _ trust?  _ He felt sick. 

He thought about calling Magnus. 

One thought and he was spinning, trying to get a hold of the edge of the bar for support. He reached for the glass of water he’d poured for himself when he had realized he’d gotten too drunk. He was past the point of no return. Not that it really mattered. He’d probably be going home alone tonight anyway, drunk in a glass bubble, floating back down to solid ground. 

“Ya really did it this time--  _ hic!”  _ he hiccupped as he slurred to himself. “Fuckin’  _ idiot.”  _

He sipped some water and spilled some from the corner of his mouth and onto his dress.  _ Fuck.  _

He stumbled back over to the pottery bench and sat before the now-dry clay there. He ran two fingers along the grooves that he and Kravitz had carved into the half-finished bowl together as Kravitz had held his hands steady. 

A few absent tears dripped from his eyes as he thought about his boyfriend. He understood Kravitz’s job was important, but his heart ached. He couldn’t even be his first priority on their anniversary. He was always on the backburner. Always everyone’s last thought. He pressed his palm into the semi-hardened exterior of the clay and broke through to the inside where it was still soft. He crushed it down into the wheel and dragged his hand across the smooth plastic below. 

“Stupid,” he wept quietly. He couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh, fucking idiot  _ wizard.  _ What does he want with you?” 

He laughed and laughed and laughed through sobs. He was acutely aware of how crazy he sounded. It wasn’t any revelation; his mind had been lost for quite some time. Almost fifteen years now, probably. Still he tried to keep his focus on Kravitz. He wanted to remember the good things, but all he could think of was the bad.  _ On their anniversary.  _

He knew Kravitz had lied to him about their love being easy. 

Nothing about Taako was ever easy. Except, maybe, how easily he fell into bed with anyone who would have him. 

As always, his mind returned to Magnus. And just out of stupid, drunken pettiness, he got up and returned to the bar to pull a cider out from the refrigerator below. He fumbled with the bottle opener left on the counter, but couldn’t even get it open.  _ Can’t even do that right, you fucking imbecile.  _ He wound back and whipped the opener across the room where it hit a wall, leaving a little dent. He started crying again. 

He thought about Magnus. He was all Taako could think about. And he felt like he was betraying Kravitz, in a way. On their anniversary, at  _ their  _ place, when Kravitz had been the one who had been there and Magnus had left him in pieces. Magnus didn’t deserve his heart, but he still had it. He always had. And it fucking pissed him off. 

He thought about the six of them, seated around Lucretia’s table, sharing some meal that would have been better if he had been there to make it. He didn’t  _ want  _ to be there. He didn’t want to be anywhere near that wretched bitch who had stolen everything good in his mind, just for petty revenge. They’d all trusted her and she’d stabbed them in the back, ruined their lives, and now they were all taking her back in? It was ludicrous. 

“They don’t get it,” he mumbled. He held the bottle of cider tight by the neck until the ridges of the bottlecap made pointed marks in his palm. It hurt, but he didn’t care. Everything always hurt. He’d learned years ago to just not  _ care.  _

He wanted to care. He missed the person he’d been before Lucretia had turned everything that made him Taako into a static headache hiss. 

But most of all, he wanted his family to care; to care about each other, or what she’d done, or anything he felt. Every time he tried to express his distaste, and that was after restraining himself from so much worse for sake of keeping polite company, he was met with murmured agreement at best, or annoyed admonishment at worst. Even Lup had gotten tired of hearing him complain about Lucretia. He couldn’t even pretend anymore. It cut deep to hear them say that his pain was baseless now, or that he just needed to let go and move on. Maybe they had good intentions, but if they’d learned anything from Lucretia, it should have been that good intentions don’t fucking  _ matter  _ if you’re doing harm. 

He felt nauseous, but he had the better sense to not blow chunks on the floor of the Bureau’s most popular establishment. He walked himself to the bathroom, tripped onto his knees, pushed his hair behind his shoulder, and vomited into the toilet. 

When he got up and looked in the mirror, his eye makeup had run all the way from his waterline to his chin. He could barely focus on his reflection. It was funny, seeing double. It was almost like Lup was there next to him. 

Not that they even looked the same anymore. 

He tried to cast his usual disguise spell but he couldn't even focus on the words long enough to get it going. A clear, calm face flickered over his own, then disappeared into thin air. 

He thought about all of them, eating dinner with Lucretia.

He thought about Kravitz, swooping off and away to everything more important than him. 

He thought about Magnus, clutching him to his broad chest. Kissing him in their old dormitory. Tasting of cider. 

He snatched the bottle from the floor where it had rolled out of his hand. He looked at the stupid label, the one Magnus always picked at when he didn't want to look Taako in the eye. 

“Fucking idiot,” he cussed, clutching the bottle until he broke skin. He wasn't even sure if he was talking to himself or to Kravitz or to Magnus or to all of them, collectively, for discarding him like fucking garbage. 

He’d been wrong that day at the Wake Party. He was the one who was dust. 

What had he done to deserve this? Any of this? 

Why did she get to be a part of their family and not him? 

Without another look, another word, or another hesitation, he wiped his eyes and smeared his makeup and stormed out of the bathroom. He left the bar as it was. Kravitz could pick up his mess later when he was finally ready to prioritize his boyfriend. 

Taako slammed the glass door of the Chug ‘n’ Squeeze behind him and stumbled with purpose towards Lucretia’s home. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick trigger warning for like... a fight you could qualify as a domestic disturbance and some physical aggression, yoinks 
> 
> BIG UPs to @epersonae and @emi_rose for editing the hell out of this bc... it was a mess. YEA

After drinks had been finished and conversations had dwindled down into the hush of quiet laughter and yawns, Lucretia’s four guests started to pack up their things together to leave. 

“Gotta get back home and get some sleep, kids are comin’ back in the morning and goodness knows I need all the rest I can get before then,” Merle said, stretching his arms over his head and groaning. Davenport hopped out of his chair and followed suit. He said nothing to Lucretia, but made sure to firmly shake Magnus’s hand.

Barry took a stack of dishes into the kitchen while Lup rounded up their empty bottles. By the stove, Merle reached up and patted Lucretia’s arm. She crouched downward to pull him into a hug. 

“Thanks for coming, Merle. It means a lot.” 

Merle patted her on the back before pulling away. “Any time, sister. Holler if ya need me.” 

Lucretia breathed a sigh of relief as she watched Lup and Magnus shoving each other by the sink as they fought over who would wash and who would dry the dishes. So much had changed, but some things would always stay the same. Dinner had gone okay, she thought, all things considered. 

A loud banging at the front door pulled her from her relief. In a panic that instantly sobered her, she looked up at Magnus, who had turned to her in confusion. She’d spoken too soon of the night’s success. She had no doubt of who had arrived at her door. 

“I got it,” Barry said, walking towards the front hall. 

Someone was shouting outside. The sound was muffled, but clearly meant to cause a ruckus. 

The banging came again, followed by a familiar voice, drunkenly yelling as he knocked. Lucretia’s stomach dropped to her feet. 

“Open up,  _ Lucy _ ! Sorry, am I interrupting?” 

Barry swung the door open to find Taako on the porch mid-knock, leaning against the doorframe. He stumbled forward into the house. “Taako?” Barry blurted out, not knowing what else to do. At the sound of his name, Lup bolted around the corner. 

“Oh, Barold and Lulu, what the  _ hell  _ are you doin’ here? Don’tcha think there’re better places to spend your happenin’ Friday night?” 

“Taako, what are  _ you _ doing here?” Lup hissed. He shoved her shoulder to push her out of the way. 

“Don’t even start with me, y’don’t want it,” he slurred. 

Barry followed briskly behind him, trying to get him to stop before he reached the kitchen. Redirecting him seemed the only way they’d be able to avoid damage with Lucretia and Magnus. 

“Where’s Kravitz?” 

Taako laughed through tears louder than he should have. “Oh! Important reaper business. Y’know, duty calls, right? More important than my fuckin’ anniversary.” 

Lup and Barry exchanged a look of trepidation, knowing now that there was nothing they could do to stop him from entering the kitchen now. 

“Fuck.” Barry sighed to himself, looking at Lup. She shook her head and pursed her lips. 

Taako stumbled into the kitchen and suddenly the room was thrown into chaos. Lucretia swiftly moved back into the dining room at the sound of Taako’s voice. Merle stood his ground, anticipating Taako’s usual drunk nonsense: over the top, but manageable. Davenport folded his arms in annoyance. 

Magnus had stepped forward, summoning all of his strength. He wasn’t sure if he needed it for body or soul, but he was prepared for the worst. 

“Ohh, Maggie, it’s so  _ delightful  _ to see you,” Taako said. “Thanks for having me for dinner! I brought your faaavorite--” and he tossed the sweating bottle of cider just a little too hard into Magnus’s hands. The cap had cut into Taako’s palm deep enough that his hand was visibly bleeding, but he didn’t seem to notice. 

“Taako, what are you doing--” 

The elf laughed and moved forward, pushing past Merle, who had made a half-hearted attempt to keep Taako from Magnus’s side of the kitchen. “Oh, can’t a fella just drop in for family dinner? Or didja just  _ forget _ about me again?”  

“Stop. Don’t do this here.” 

“Or what? Y’gonna kick me out so you can keep playing house with Madam Director?” Taako spat, but still he laughed. 

“How much have you had to drink, buddy?” Merle said from behind him. 

Taako didn’t even turn around to answer. Instead, he stared at Magnus, swaying a little before putting his uninjured hand on the countertop to steady himself. “Enough,” he dismissed flippantly. “Mind your biz, old man, I’m not here for you.” 

“I’m not gonna do this,” Magnus asserted, standing his ground as Taako walked towards him with a finger pointed and poised to jab at his chest. 

“Seriously Taako, that’s enough. Please don’t do this here, we just had a nice night.” To Magnus’s surprise, Barry was the one who spoke up. 

Lup stood behind her husband in the entry to the hallway, her face contorted in distress. She avoided Magnus’s gaze. 

Barry sighed. “Let’s just go home, okay?” 

“Oh, it must have been such a nice, peaceful night for everyone, ‘cause I wasn’t there, right? Everyone has a good fuckin’ time when Taako’s not around.” 

Magnus glowered. “You’re being an asshole.” 

Taako laughed again. Magnus was suddenly aware of the smell of alcohol on Taako’s mouth and dress. “Takes one to know one, baby!” 

Davenport left the room. 

“So what was for dinner, Chef Maggie? Or did the Director get off her throne long enough to make a nice home-cooked meal?” 

Barry spoke up again, brushing past Merle to grab onto Taako’s shoulder. “Alright, we’re leaving. Let’s go home.” 

Taako turned around and smacked Barry’s hand away. “Hey, why don’t you mind your own fuckin’ business, Barold.”

Lup spoke up for the first time since he’d arrived. “Taako…” 

He ignored his sister and pushed onwards in antagonizing Magnus. “Why haven’t you answered my calls,  _ babe?  _ My letter? You  _ know  _ Taako doesn’t write letters. Too cool for an old flame? Or are you just too busy getting your dick sucked to spare me a second thought?”

Magnus stared at Lup, trying to catch her eye. Perhaps out of concern for her brother, she hadn’t explained to Taako that she’d told Magnus to cut contact entirely from him until things started to get better. But that day still hadn’t come, and it’d been months of radio silence. 

Magnus could only stare at Taako. “You’re drunk.” 

“No fucking shit, Caleb Cleveland. Want a cookie?” 

Despite her anxiety, Lucretia finally came back into the kitchen, shoulders squared and chin pointed slightly upward. The only way she could deal with Taako was through the cold, take-no-shit demeanor of the Director. 

Her posture alone did the trick just fine. “Oh, the queen herself graces us with her presence. To what do I owe the  _ pleasure?”  _

“I’m going to ask you once to leave, Taako.” 

Taako cackled, smacking Magnus on the chest. He looked down at Taako’s hand, then back up at Lucretia to his side. She seemed so tall, intimidating even Magnus now, but Taako didn’t shrink away. He hiccupped and tried to move towards her but Magnus stopped him with an arm. 

“That’s rich. Are y’done playing pretend now?” Taako mumbled. “A hundred years wasn’t enough to act like you gave a shit about us? Where do you get  _ off,  _ Lucy, baby?” 

Lucretia stood there, expression blank and turned to stone. She stared down at him, unflinching. 

“Too good for even a response?” 

Magnus pushed him away from Lucretia. “Let’s go outside.” 

“No, I came here to  _ talk,  _ something that’s evidently below you now. You are both so fuckin’--” Taako seemed to finally be losing what little composure he’d arrived with. “Why do you think you can just take and take and take until I have fucking  _ nothing,  _ over and over, then ignore me like I’m a  _ stranger _ ? What the  _ fuck  _ is your problem?” 

“They’re not ignoring you, and we’re not taking anything. We’re just having dinner,” Merle spoke up again. 

“Can it! I’m not talking to you,” the elf shouted. “You don’t have to talk down to me, I’m good, I’m sooo good, I’m just giving my  _ family  _ a little piece of my mind, alright? Isn’t that what  _ families  _ do? Or did that end when you decided I was your doormat, huh, Magnus? Ignoring me and telling everyone I’m fucking crazy?” 

“I never said that!” Magnus snapped. “Don’t put words in my mouth!” 

“Oh? It sure explains why whenever I’m around everyone walks like the moon is made of fuckin’ eggshells. Well, I’m so glad for ya, Mags, looks like you really got it made up here. You got everything you wanted. Happy wife, happy life, right?” Taako fumed. “Hope it’s real good when she stabs you in the back again. Make sure you check her closet for jellyfish!”

Lup finally charged up behind Taako and grabbed his shoulder forcefully “That’s enough, Taako, I’m sorry that Kravitz stood you up, but this is so inappropriate--”

“Don’t fuckin’ make this about Kravitz!” Taako shouted. “This is about them! And about all of you treating me like yesterday’s goddamn garbage!” Taako shoved her off, elbowing her in the gut. 

“Hey!” Magnus raised his voice. He moved forward to intervene, but Lup shook her head. “Get out, Taako. You’re not doing this in Lucretia’s house. You have an issue with me, we can take it up somewhere else.” 

“Oh, so you’re, what now? Assistant Director?” 

“Shut  _ up!”  _ Lup hissed and took him by the arm. “We’re leaving. Barry, help me--” 

Taako wrestled out of her grip and stumbled back up to Magnus. The angry rise and fall of his shoulders said it all. Magnus took a long look at Taako’s face, his smudged makeup, his watery eyes, and his heart broke for him. If last time he’d seen him crumpled on the floor crying hadn’t been rock bottom, this most certainly was. 

He’d had enough. If Taako wouldn't remove himself from the situation, Magnus would have to himself. He rushed forward and took Taako by the arm, pushing past Barry and Lup entirely. “I'm sorry. We’re not doing this. Not tonight. You need to go home. Now.” And before Taako could protest, Magnus was practically dragging him through the hallway. With Lup and Barry in his wake, he forced Taako out the front door. He squirmed in his grip but Magnus, when actually using his strength, was near impossible to overpower. 

Magnus guided him quickly down the stairs and onto the green and perfectly manicured lawn, wet from the spring rain. “Are you done having your tantrum now?” 

“Fuck you.” Taako spat in the dirt below and adjusted his dress. Lup and Barry had paused on the porch, waiting anxiously as Barry called for their glass ball home. 

“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, Taako, but what the hell do you think this solves? You just came here to bitch me out?” 

Taako finally burst into angry tears. “You don’t get this! You don’t get to  _ have this!  _ You don't get to have this life  _ and  _ this family. It was supposed to be the three of us, you, me, and Lucy! And she-- she ruined that, and you still chose  _ her!” _

“Taako--” Lup breathed softly from the porch, inaudible.

Magnus stepped forward, finally furious enough to get in Taako’s face. His jaw twitched and his nostrils flared. It was the same old accusation, the same old argument they’d had a thousand times before, and each time it had ended worse.  _ This  _ was why Magnus had removed himself from Taako’s life. He’d needed the reminder. 

“I chose her, Taako. Is that what you wanna hear? I chose her! You got me.” 

Taako stared up at him, gritting his teeth.. His eyes were bloodshot, bags swollen and blackened by running eyeliner. His tears shimmered in the light of the faraway moon, the one not manufactured by their madness. Magnus hardened himself to the ache of sympathy he’d felt in the kitchen. Now there was nothing left in him but the pulse of white hot rage. 

“What do you want me to say? I’m not gonna drag myself down with you. If you wanna wallow in this, go right ahead. We’re all waiting on the edge of our seats for the day you get your  _ fucking  _ act together!” 

Magnus was aware of how harsh the words were as they left him, but they continued spilling out. Merle had joined Lup and Barry on the porch, and Lucretia stood back in the doorway, still emotionless and cold. 

“ _ You  _ did this to me _!”  _ Taako screamed, pushing Magnus back. “You! Both of you! She ruined my life and you took her fucking side!” 

Barry stepped down the stairs at Taako’s show of aggression. “Hey, cut the shit! That’s enough!” 

“I didn’t do shit to you, Taako. And this? The way you’re acting? This is all you. You are so content to just live in the past and blame everyone else for your problems.” Magnus guided Taako lightly back with one hand, only to put more distance between them. “But guess what? Lucretia’s  _ not _ the problem. It’s you.”

Taako let out an indignant, cutting scream. In an instant, his fist was flying at Magnus’s jaw. Reflexively, the fighter caught Taako’s fist in his large palm and twisted it away. 

_ “Taako, stop!”  _ Lup cried, rushing down the stairs behind Barry. 

Merle turned to Lucretia, who had slunk back into the hallway. She stared,tears running down her face, unblinking. 

Magnus had managed to get Taako restrained and on the ground so he couldn’t try anything else, but the moment had passed. 

Magnus unclenched his jaw. “I’m done, Taako.” 

Taako slumped down into himself and wailed openly. He sounded like a wounded animal; the sound was unbearable. From the front steps, Lup had started to cry, too. 

“Why are you doing this?” Lup finally asked, breaking the silence with a crack in her voice. 

As the anger finally left him, Magnus let go of Taako’s arm and stepped back from him in shock. His hands shook as he realized what he’d done, what they’d both done; he would never hurt Taako, but even just having to get him out of the house, then onto the ground, was too much. He turned away. 

Taako had tried to hit him. 

It sat like a stone. 

Silently he retreated back up the stairs and into the house. When he met Lucretia’s eyes, it took all of his strength not to cry. Merle and Barry followed after him and left the twins outside on the lawn. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t-- I don’t know--” Barry stammered, mirroring Magnus’s shock. 

“It’s fine, Barry. It’s not your fault.”

“The kid needs  _ help.”  _ Merle’s brow knitted with concern. 

Lucretia was silent. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Barry sighed, looking out the storm door to find Lup holding Taako tight. “She tries, but she won’t be honest with him. He needs someone who can do more than comfort him.” 

Magnus sighed and tried to push the nausea down that was rising rapidly in his stomach.  _ He tried to--  _ “This is why I took myself out of the picture.” 

Suddenly there was more commotion in front of the house. Kravitz, switching back into his human form, walked briskly to where the twins were on the ground. Lup stood up and immediately started yelling at him, pointing a finger and jabbing it hard at his chest. Magnus had never seen Kravitz look so disoriented or apologetic. Lup forced him swiftly up the porch and into the hallway with the rest of them. 

“Someone wanna get our man caught up here?” Lup said, voice finally finding some anger in all the chaos. 

Kravitz raised both hands. “I am so sorry, I wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t absolutely necessary, I just didn’t even think that he would leave the bar. He’s clearly had too much to drink and--” 

“No shit, Krav,” Barry snapped.

“I didn’t know--” 

Lup cut through both of their voices with her own. “It doesn’t matter now! Just shut up and figure something out. I am  _ begging _ you all.” 

Lup turned to go back outside to Taako on the lawn, but as she looked to where he’d been slumped over, the space was empty. 

“What the fuck?” She stepped out onto the porch in a panic. “Taako? Taako?!” 

She ran down the stairs and out to where the lawn met the wide pathway that led down into the quad. He was nowhere to be seen. 

“Fuck,” she hissed. “Fuck, shit!” 

Magnus followed her outside. 

“I don’t know where he--” 

Magnus took a long, trembling breath. A tear slipped down his cheek and he hastily wiped it away. 

“I know where he went. I’ll find him.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to make a little note, and i may write some liner notes on tumblr or something someday, and just say that this is Largely a coping fic if you couldn't already tell lmfao, and like... a lot of this is coming from me, and it's just my interpretation of one way taako's life could play out-- i don't think he is inherently violent or that he'd ever try to hurt anyone he loves if he wasn't absolutely belligerently drunk. i just felt like i needed to mention that in case anyone was bothered. but also this is my thing and i'm proud of it regardless so... yeah 
> 
> but- i promise!!!!! i promise we're going to the beach soon!!!! i know this is a lot of exposition but WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH SOON.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo as a disclaimer I might not finish this story, but I have a bunch more written so I figure I might as well share it?

Taako charged across the quad with all the drunken determination he could muster. His dress was damp with dew from the grass and sweat and booze that he’d spilled on himself. It was a shame, he thought, to let such a pretty thing go to waste. But then again, in the spirit of those wasted pretty things, it felt appropriate that he was the one wearing it. 

His hands shook. He felt like such a fucking  _ idiot _ for everything. For all of it. But mostly it was what he’d done to Magnus. The way he’d brought Taako to the ground immediately and looked down at him with such disdain, such  _ grief....  _ It gutted him.

He wanted to be furious with Magnus, and he was, in his way. But mostly he was just furious with himself. His skin crawled when he thought about the rest of them. And his skin crawled when he thought about himself. What was he  _ doing?  _ He stopped for just a moment to steady himself, finding it harder to walk across the lush grass in his heels. He took them off and carried them in one hand as he trudged on. 

He just felt  _ bad.  _ Gross. Guilty. And still, very, very drunk. 

He hoped none of them followed him. He didn’t want to talk to them. Barry and Lup had treated him like a child and taken  _ their  _ side. Lucretia, absolutely not, but he knew she wouldn’t follow him anyway. She’d never give that much of a shit. Kravitz had left him alone, like everyone else always did in the end. And Magnus… 

His stomach lurched. He knew what he’d done was unforgivable, even in his drunken haze. Magnus was right about him; he really couldn’t stop himself from burning every last bridge he had. Even Lup was slipping away now. And if he didn’t cut that cord first, she would just leave him too. He knew, in some cowering place within him, that the decade he’d spent alone was what he’d been destined for anyway. 

He dissolved into tears and rasping sobs again at the thought. That was all he  _ deserved.  _ Half a heart, a shitty stagecoach, mystery potions thrown back without caution, weaponized words, a wretched partner, a half-used bottle of poison. He was meant to be alone. 

He looked up at the dome that’d been rebuilt in place of their old dormitory. Magnus had told him ages ago that their original rooms below ground had been left untouched by the Hunger’s assault on the moonbase. He said he stayed there sometimes, but Taako knew that was bullshit. There was no way he was sleeping alone in a dorm when he could be sleeping in Lucretia’s bed. 

He missed the days when the bed Magnus settled into was his. The last few times they’d slept together before Taako had unraveled it all, Magnus had left before there was even a breath of pillow talk. It’d never been like that before. He’d never been  _ like that  _ before. 

Taako knew it was on him. People just didn’t  _ like  _ him, let alone love him. He couldn’t make Magnus’s heart stay. But gods, he’d do anything if it meant that he could keep him. 

It didn’t matter now anyway. That bridge was dust now. Just like everything and everyone else. 

He pushed through the doors of the dorm and ignored the few Bureau employees that were milling about. Most everyone else was asleep by now. It didn’t matter; nothing fucking mattered anymore. He was crying and drunk and sloppy and smearing his makeup and stumbling into the elevator to take it all the way down to the bottom suite where they’d lived for a year. Where so many nights he’d crawled into Magnus’s bed in the wee hours. Where he and Kravitz had made love for the first time, chilly and giggling and sweet. 

His heart shattered. They’d ruined everything. 

No. He’d ruined everything. He always did. 

The elevator made him nauseous. When he reached the bottom floor, he stumbled down the hall and cast a rushed Knock on their old door. He stumbled inside and dry heaved as he found purchase on the arm of their old couch. 

He’d never been so drunk. He wanted to vomit, but there was nothing left in him to even purge. He guided himself along the edge of the couch and slumped down into the cushions and closed his eyes and let the room spin with chest-crushing force. He wished he would just pass out instead of laying here drunk and stupid and crying. Of all the mistakes he’d made, perhaps this one was the worst. There was something wrong with him. There was something broken, unfixable, unfindable, lost to time and ink and ichor. 

He wanted to tear himself down to silver strings, sever every glowing white bond, pen his story in his own blood and feed it to some other wretched beast that could make him forget. Maybe then he could start over. He’d burned through this life for all it’d been worth, anyway. 

His chest hurt. He pressed the heels of his hands into his closed eyes until he saw nothing but red and blue and green stars and static, weaving in and out of vision like the shimmering bits inside the Hunger had in their massive and terrifying columns. He remembered the time he’d gone too late and one of them, in all its towering and dark horror, had just… destroyed him. Taken him all at once and swallowed him up into blackness, and then into nothing. When he came to, he was brand new and cradled in Magnus’s arms before he could even take a cycle’s first breath, but he remembered. He remembered what it felt like to be  _ nothing.  _

At the time, he’d never wanted to feel that way again. But now, he so desperately wanted to return to that moment. It would be so much easier to be nothing. It would feel so much better than this. 

Pathetic, he thought. Pathetic to feel this way. Pathetic to be like this. Pathetic to be the one that everyone discards and leaves and forgets and doesn’t bother to understand. He was hurting and nobody cared. He wanted to leave his body for something else, trade this life for a different one. He wished for another Voidfish to take it all this time, and leave nothing within him to remember. Hollow him out for a new life. 

He opened his eyes, oriented himself with the evidently unspinning room, and forced himself up from the couch and into the bathroom. He wanted to be out of his dress, free of this makeup, clean of this dirt and drink and damp. 

He turned the knob of the shower and forced the memory of the hot water running over Magnus’s broad shoulders and back out of his mind. He didn’t think about the times while Merle was elsewhere and he’d sat perched on the countertop, talking to Magnus and smiling and laughing while he showered and the sheet of glass between them fogged up. He didn’t think about the smiley face Magnus had drawn in the fog. He didn’t think about how much he’d loved him then. 

And when his defense slipped for just half a moment, it all rushed back. 

There were no tears left to cry. He felt too weak to even peel himself from his clothes. 

He got into the shower, his dress and jewelry still on, and sunk to the floor. The showerhead rained warm water down over him and he let it drip the makeup from his face to his neck and chest. With his knees curled tight to his chest, he put his head down and closed his eyes and prayed to whatever was left that he’d just disappear. Being nothing just seemed so preferable to this. 

He wouldn’t ruin family dinner. He wouldn’t take a swing at Magnus in a drunken rage. He wouldn’t be such a burden on everyone else. 

There were no tears, but there were whimpers. And then there was nothing at all. 

//

Magnus found their old apartment door unlocked and wide open. As he stepped into the room, Taako was nowhere to be found. There was some sad kind of irony about coming back here like this. So much had changed since they’d lived here together. Things at the time had seemed so heavy-- always racing against the clock, always worried about the next relic-- but now it felt like a happier time. A moment they couldn’t return to. They hadn’t had their memories, but Magnus couldn’t help but feel that perhaps sometimes it might have been better that way. There wasn’t so much to untangle in those days. There wasn’t so much to grieve. 

“Taako?” he called softly upon finding the common area empty. His heels had been discarded by the couch. 

He heard the shower running and, upon turning the corner to the short hall that held the bathroom and closet doors, found the door wide open. 

“Taako?” he called again, but he didn’t answer. Suddenly, Magnus feared the worst. What if Taako had passed out, or done something brash, or-- 

He rushed through the door. He could apologize for intruding later. But through the scarce fog of the glass wall, he found Taako huddled against the tile wall, still in his dress and soaked to the bone.

“Oh,” Magnus breathed. The anger within him dissipated and left him only with hurt. He opened the door and hesitated for a moment. “Taak…” 

Taako had his head between his knees. The water wasn’t even warm. 

Magnus turned the water off and went to grab a towel from the closet. When he turned back, Taako hadn’t moved at all. 

“Come on,” Magnus coaxed, though his voice was still slightly hardened in the spirit of what had transpired at Lucretia’s. He knelt down to help Taako up, but the elf simply wouldn’t move. “Let me help you.” 

He felt terribly inadequate as soon as the words left him. There was nothing he could do to help this. But he wasn’t going to let that stop him from trying this time. 

He scooped Taako right into his arms. There was no struggle or protest; he gave up the moment Magnus lifted him. Magnus sat him on the countertop and undressed him, struggling with the clinging fabric of the dress, then handed him the towel to dry off. Taako put it around himself halfheartedly and, when Magnus gave him another, pawed at his hair and wiped away what little remained of his makeup. It was then, without his disguise spell or his lavish clothes or his usual face of cosmetics, that Magnus could see Taako as he was. The circles beneath his eyes had grown dark, and his ribs had begun to show through the sallow skin of his chest. Magnus’s heart sank. 

“Come on,” Magnus said, trying to pull him onto his feet. Again, Taako wouldn’t budge. “Taako, let’s-- c’mon, buddy, let’s get you--” 

Taako started to cry. 

“I can’t.” His voice cracked into silence. 

Magnus’s heart broke. What had become of them? 

He picked him up carefully and carried him through the apartment and into his old room. Taako curled against his chest and, for a moment, it felt like the old times on the Starblaster. There had been a time where scooping Taako into his arms and carrying him off to bed was commonplace, filled with laughter and kisses and joy. And now, thanks to anger and anguish and circumstance and memory, that time was gone. 

Magnus laid him gingerly onto the bed and gathered some of his old Bureau-issued pajamas from the dresser. Taako had never really worn them, but with all of their other things gone, he didn’t have a choice. Taako sat up and pulled the too-big shirt on, then stood on wobbling legs to get into the shorts. Magnus watched in silence as he got into the bed and turned to face the wall. 

Magnus leaned against the dresser, unsure of what else to do. He wanted to say something. He wanted to comfort him. He wanted to ask him why he’d lashed out on the lawn. He wanted to crawl under the blankets beside him and sleep until everything went away. 

The apartment door opened and stirred him from his thoughts. He closed Taako’s door behind him and found Merle standing there, looking a little bewildered, but mostly concerned. 

“You found him?” asked Merle. 

“Yeah. He’s in bed.” He didn’t mention the shower. 

“I, uh, I talked with the others…. Well, with Lup, Barry, and Krav at least. And we decided it might be best if Taako came with me for the weekend. Ya know, relax by the beach for a couple days, just hang out. It’d be good for him.” 

Magnus pursed his lips. This wasn’t the kind of thing a few days at the beach would fix, but maybe it’d be good for him to get away from everything.

When Magnus didn’t say anything, Merle filled the silence. “I’ll leave him alone, but I’ll keep an eye on him, okay? You don’t have to worry about that.” 

“It’s not--” Magnus started, but remembered that Taako was right in the other room, and the sound from the common room had always carried. He dropped his voice. “It’s not that, I just-- I don’t know. It’s… there’s so much going on, I just think he needs more than a vacation. And I don’t know what else to do.” 

“Alright, big guy. Why don’t you sit down for a minute. It’s been a long night for everyone.” 

Merle went to the kitchen to get two glasses of water. Magnus sat on the couch and looked down at Taako’s heels. Everything felt wrong. Merle returned and handed him a glass, which he promptly chugged and set down, empty, on the table beside him. 

“You can’t fix him. None of us can.” Merle sighed. “As much as we’d all like to, that’s something he has to choose himself. And we can help him along and do what we can as his friends, but we can’t save him.” 

“But--” 

“But nothin’. You’re so hellbent on saving everyone else, Magnus. Sometimes ya just can’t! And that’s just how it is.” 

They fell into a long silence as they stared off into nothing. Merle sipped his water. He didn’t seem uncomfortable But Magnus, sitting there with his hands in his lap, the front of his clothes all wet from pulling Taako from the shower… there was nothing more unbearable. Merle hadn’t questioned it. He either didn’t need to ask, or he didn’t need to know. Either way, Magnus was thankful for the break. Merle got up without a word and walked out into the hallway. Magnus could hear him talking on his stone of farspeech. 

“We found him. He’s safe… No, no, we’ve got it. Don’t. I know you wanna talk to ‘im but not yet. We’re getting him sobered up, alright? There’s time for that later. You all just relax and sit tight, okay?” 

When he returned, Magnus cleared his throat. “Lup?” 

“And Kravitz.” 

“Ah.” 

Silence fell over them again. 

Merle spoke after a long time. A sad smile touched the corners of his mouth, partially concealed by his beard, grown even longer since his move to Bottlenose Cove. He’d separated it neatly at the bottom in two braids. He looked put-together. Happier. “It’s weird being back here, innit? The last time all three of us were here, it was…” 

“Before Wonderland,” Magnus noted quietly. 

The fact wasn’t lost on him. It made his heart ache to think of who they were before then, who they were when they were strangers before that, and who they were as family before all the rest. Was this what they were meant for? Forming and reforming into new people, new lives, always entwined but each time more and more tangled? 

This had pulled them all taut. And, perhaps, Taako’s string had finally snapped. 

“I’m gonna do what I can. I’m no miracle worker, but back in the day, he’d listen to me sometimes. He’s stubborn as all hell, and Pan knows when Taako’s on his bullshit, there’s not much gettin’ through to him. But I’ll try. I’m gonna try.” 

“I hope it helps.” 

Merle cleared his throat. “I know you care about him. I mean, ya love him. That much has always been true.” 

“Yeah.” 

“To think that y’all thought I didn’t know you were bumpin’ uglies the whole entire time…” Merle chuckled. 

Magnus’s brows shot up to his hairline as he instantly blushed a deep red. “What! You knew?” 

“You thought you were bein’ all sly sneakin’ into each other’s rooms like teenagers. I just let ya have your fun.” Merle’s smile was sad again. “I mean, ya needed it. I wasn’t gonna get in the way of the one good thing going for you.” 

Magnus shook his head, laughing a little. Tears burned the corners of his eyes, and he wasn’t exactly sure why. “We did. Thanks, Merle. And, uh… sorry, about the noise.” 

Merle shrugged. “Heard worse. I mean, I used to share a wall with Barry, so…” 

Magnus snorted in spite of himself and the circumstances. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that one, too.” 

“Meh. I can sleep through anything now.” 

They fell back into their silence as the lighthearted feeling between them faded and was again replaced by the iron weight of the night. After a while, Merle dozed off in an ale-induced nap. Magnus, unable to rest, fiddled with his fingernails and picked at his hands at old and new nicks from his carving knives. He wished he had his whittling supplies with him. It always helped at times like these when his anxiety began to dictate his thoughts and actions. 

He couldn’t tell if it’d been minutes or hours, but eventually Taako inched his door open and peered through the crack into the common room. He met Magnus’s eyes as Magnus leaned forward, ready to stand up. 

Taako opened the door wider and walked back into the room. He was leaving it open for Magnus to follow, as he had so many nights before. It was their language, known only by them: unspeaking, all-feeling, never resolved. 

He followed him into the dark room and closed the door behind him. To his surprise, Taako had pushed the throw-rug under his bed in a messy pile so the glass floor overlooking the world below was fully exposed to them. They had all covered up their windows down into the world out of fear of heights, and the sheer disorientation of waking up to pee and suddenly fearing that you’re plummeting down planetside. But tonight, the world beneath them looked peaceful, rotating ever so slowly, cloudless and illuminated only by the sliver of sun that had begun to crest over the far side of the earth. Taako climbed back into bed and positioned himself so he could stare down at the sleeping world below. 

They didn’t say anything. 

Magnus stood there for what felt like hours, just waiting for something to happen. For Taako to say something, or do something, or just  _ look at him.  _ But he didn’t. Perhaps he couldn’t. 

Finally, Magnus sat down on the edge of the bed and held his hands in his lap once more. He gazed down at Faerun, down at the reflection of the moon in the Stillwater Sea, perfectly placid and white and deep blue, save for the half-submerged shape of the fallen Judge. The Story and Song felt like a decade ago, now. Time was passing so quickly. And it felt as though he and Taako both had lost control so long ago. 

He ached for who they’d been. He ached for a return to normalcy, at the very least. 

He gazed down at Taako and dwelled on the past, as he always did these days. He wondered what he’d done to him. How much it hurt for Taako to look at him now. He’d never meant to tear him apart, but he had, and for that he felt guilty. 

He wanted to be mad at Taako, or to ask him why he’d tried to hurt him, or to blame him for causing yet another fight. But as he watched Taako watching the planet below with empty eyes, he felt compelled to embrace him. 

He didn’t. But he got into bed beside him and waited in their shared silence. 

Taako rolled onto his side away from him and stared at the wall. The weight of his grief was unbearable; Magnus could feel it radiating from him. It permeated through every inch of the space between their bodies. He just wanted to hold him. Every single cell in his body pulled towards him like a magnet, like some earthly, undeniable force, but he just couldn’t let himself touch him. 

Magnus wasn’t the person he needed anymore. And trying to be that person was hurting Taako even more. 

“I didn’t mean it,” came Taako’s voice, hoarse and small. 

Magnus didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything. 

“I can’t take it back. But I didn’t mean it.” 

Magnus thought about Taako’s fist, caught in the palm of his hand. The look on Taako’s broken, enraged, unrecognizable face. And then, how quickly he had crumbled again, just as he had in the hallway of his home in Lup’s arms.  _ It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.  _ His words echoed in Magnus’s head. 

Why hadn’t he done something then? Why did he just  _ leave?  _

Magnus exhaled shakily, trying so hard not to cry. 

Taako shifted and took more of the blankets with him to curl into himself. 

“Taako?” 

He didn’t answer.

“I don’t know what to do.” Magnus’s voice wavered. He stared up at the ceiling. 

Still, nothing. 

“I--”

“I think I'm broken.”

He could hear the tears in Taako’s voice. But there was no anger, no fight left in him. Just resignation. Grief.

“You're not, you--” 

Taako curled further into himself. “No, there's something wrong with me, and I'm just  _ like this  _ now, bubbeleh.” 

There was no malice in the name, nor was there teasing. There was nothing at all. 

“Merle wants you to go down to Bottlenose Cove for the weekend. Just take a few days, clear your head…” 

Taako didn't answer, and Magnus didn't know what else to say. So they didn't say anything. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

After Magnus had slipped from the bed, he left the door cracked open behind him. Taako could see into the common room now, and there they were, Merle, Magnus, Lup, Kravitz, all talking with low voices, as if he couldn't hear. He rolled over onto Magnus’s side of the bed. He dwelled in frayed memory.  _ Remember when this was Magnus’s side of the bed?  _

He peeked over his shoulder again at Kravitz and Magnus. They were both so different. And yet neither could possibly love him in all his worthlessness. 

Kravitz caught Taako’s eye and, upon the connection, immediately moved towards the door. 

Taako rolled over to face the wall and heard Magnus’s quiet protest. He was sure Magnus had his hand on Kravitz’s forearm, stopping him from going any further. 

Kravitz was evidently on a mission. “Taako, sweetheart, I'm so, so, so sorry,” Kravitz pleaded as he entered the room. “I'm sorry, I didn't-- I never would have-- oh, Taako.” 

Kravitz knelt down at his bedside and put a cool hand on the center of back, pressed to the knots of his spine. The touch soothed Taako; it always did. 

“Dearest, please talk to me. I know I made a mistake. I want to make it right.”

Taako sniffed. He was thankful he was facing the wall. His bottom lip trembled too hard for him to even dream of answering his boyfriend. And even if it hadn't been, he wouldn't know what to say. It seemed like there was nothing left in the world for him to say anymore. 

Kravitz’s thumb traced soft patterns over Taako’s back. “My love… I'm so sorry I added to this pain.” 

Something within Taako cracked at the sound of the words. Nobody had ever said that to him before. Nobody had ever acknowledged that they were adding to his pain. 

He rolled over and shoved his face into the cold crook of Kravtiz’s neck, his hot tears turning cool against his skin. Kravitz held him tightly. He braced a strong hand to the back of Taako’s head and clutched him close. 

“Krav,” Taako sobbed. He couldn't say anything else. 

They were still for a long time. 

“Are you going to go to Merle’s?” When Taako didn’t respond, Kravitz continued. “When you come home, we can go somewhere wonderful. We can do whatever you want. And I will be there, uninterrupted. You have me, always… do you know that?” 

He pulled Taako’s head away and held his face in both his hands, tilting his own head to be level with his lover’s eyes. 

“I’ve never loved someone so much.” 

Taako reached out to pull himself into Kravitz again. He wanted to tell him that he deserved better, that he was too broken, that he wasn’t worthy of that kind of unrelenting, unconditional love. But he didn’t do any of that. He simply nestled into the spaces in Kravitz’s body and let him hold him close. 

After a while, Lup came in. Taako didn’t need to look up to know the sound of her footsteps. 

“Kravitz, can I…” 

Taako burrowed further into the man’s embrace. 

“Lup…” 

She sighed. “Please. I need to talk to him, just for a moment. Promise.” 

Kravitz looked down and paused to stroke Taako’s hair for a moment. “I’ll be right out there whenever you’ll have me,” he said, gesturing to the common room. Taako nodded reluctantly and let go of Kravitz. 

Lup immediately sat cross-legged at the end of Taako’s bed and put a hand on his leg. She waited for him to speak in a silent standoff, but her twin wouldn’t budge. The silence became tense, then it became unbearable.

“‘Ko, we need to talk about this.” 

Taako turned away from her. “I don’t have anything to say.” 

“Listen to me, dear. This isn’t you. And all we want is for you to feel better, because we love you, and--” 

Taako barked out a laugh through his tears.

“I know things are hard right now. And we’re trying, we want to  _ help.  _ But I think you need some time away from everyone to just… get your head on straight.” 

Taako rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling, focused on the feeling of Lup’s hand on his leg. “You think I should go to Merle’s,” Taako said flatly.

“I do. And I can… I don’t know. I can come visit, or we can hang on the beach when I come and pick you up?” 

“Oh  _ excellent,  _ Taako needs a fuckin’ babysitter.” 

Lup frowned. He heard the breath she took to calm herself, and it stirred something bitter in him. Of everyone, Lup was supposed to be the one who understood. Who had his back and took his side and stood up for him when everyone else kicked him down. But she didn’t this time. 

It leveled him to think about how different they were now. How he hardly knew her, when there had been a time when it had felt like he knew her mind before she thought, knew her words before she spoke. Living in perfect parallel synchrony. But now they were a black-curtained ocean apart. A stagecoach driving in a different direction. 

“I just want to help you. That’s all. You can push me away, dear, and if that’s what you want? You got it.” 

Taako looked at her from the head of the bed. That’s not what he wanted. He wanted his twin back, but he couldn’t have her. A decade apart had torn them from each other. Thanks to the liches of Wonderland, Taako wasn’t even identical to his sister anymore. She was beautiful, and he wasn’t, and some wretched part of him resented her for it. 

That resentment, in and of itself, was unrecognizable to him. 

He curled in on himself. He was buckling under the weight of the person he’d let himself become. Everyone had chipped away from him without apology until there was nothing left of him but dust, dust, dust. 

“I love you so much, Taako. You’re my heart. You always have been, and you always will be.” 

He felt so guilty for forgetting her.  _ How could you forget Lup?  _

Lup stood up to crouch down at the head of the bed. She ran her hand over his forehead and brushed some hair from his eyes, then smiled gently. 

“I want you to go to Merle’s, Koko. Old man’s got some wisdom I think we could all stand to hear.” 

Taako shook his head.

“Just two days. That’s all.” She laughed a little bit. “And if it’s  _ that  _ terrible, I’ll come get you. Promise.” 

She held out her pinky finger and he looked at it for a moment, then reached out to link his own with hers. 

“Come on, I’ll help you up, okay?” 

Taako held onto both her hands as she hoisted him up from the bed and onto his feet. She led him quietly out to the common room, where everyone else was waiting. Merle sat on the couch with a glass of water. Magnus handed Taako his shoes. Kravitz stood by the coat rack, hand over his mouth, brow furrowed in deep thought. Or concern. Or both. 

“Invite me to the funeral next time, jeezy creezy,” Taako tried to joke, but his voice strangled the humor from the sentence. 

Merle hopped up from the couch and headed for the door. “You comin’? Gotta get home before the sun comes up and I catch some shit again from you-know-who…” he nudged Taako as he grumbled about his ex wife from the corner of his mouth. Taako didn’t laugh. 

“Yeah. Guess I am.” 

Lup wrapped her arms around him tight. “I’ll see you soon,” she said softly. Her smile was reassuring, but strained.

Kravitz walked to him and held him tight, kissing the top of his head. “I’m sorry, my dove. I love you so much. I’ll see you when you’re home again.” 

Magnus stood there, looking uncomfortable. Taako looked at him, then the floor. 

“I’ll, uh… I’ll see you, Taako. Enjoy the time away.” 

Taako didn’t answer any of them, but he nodded and took a deep breath in. 

“Ready, bud?” Merle stood in the doorway. Without another moment of hesitation, Taako walked past him and straight out the door and didn’t look back.

* * *

Merle sat in the glass ball as they floated down over Faerun, looking from Taako to the planet below, then back to Taako again. Taako was still half-drunk. He curled in on himself with his knees tucked to his chest, staring out at the real moon, stroking a comforting thumb over his own knee. 

Merle cleared his throat. 

“I’m glad you decided to come.” 

Taako was silent, just staring. 

“I think it’ll be good. The Cove is real nice, ya know. And Mavis and Mookie, I’ll keep ‘em outta your hair, but I think they’ll be real excited to see ya.” 

Still, nothing. 

They were quiet for a bit, nearing the final descent to the beach where Merle had come to live, and reside over, in the years after they saved the world. He was happy. In fact, he’d never been happier. And he hoped, from the bottom of his heart, that maybe he could instill any of that in Taako. If he could just plant one seed, it could hold the potential to sprout into something new. Something hopeful. 

“You can stay up in the loft, there’s a real nice balcony up on the roof. You’ll like it, how ya used to sneak out on the roof of the ship? It’s like that, a little bit.” 

Taako rested his chin on his knees.

“Alright, alright, yeah, yeah, I got it. I’ll stop buggin’ you and leave you be. Ol’ Merle knows how to be quiet sometimes.” 

Taako exhaled through his nostrils in the slight suggestion of a laugh. Merle smirked to himself and pulled the lever of the ball.  

* * *

Lucretia wrapped herself in one of Magnus’s big flannel shirts and propped herself against the large wooden headboard, that, of course, Magnus had crafted himself just for her new home. Her hands lay lifeless in her lap. Her head ached. She lolled back against the wood and closed her eyes. There weren’t any tears left for her family. What she’d done was irreparable, and she knew it, and there was no amount of crying or begging or apologizing she could do to reverse it. 

She sat there for a long time in the silence, waiting for Magnus to return. She hoped that he would at all. 

The terrible irony of her bedroom washed over her all at once. Sitting in this bed Magnus had made, in his clothes, in the home that they half-shared, in the life that they’d rebuilt. And Taako, her friend, his lover, had no part in it. They’d once dreamed about that together: the house they’d build, the space they’d share, the meals they’d cook, the memories they’d make. 

When she’d fed it all to the Voidfish, she had never thought that she was feeding those dreams to it, too. The memories, they could get back. But their plans, their desires, those were gone forever. And that much was her fault. An oversight. A terrible mistake.

She knew the sound of his footsteps on the stairs instinctively when they finally came, but she couldn’t move. When he appeared in the doorway, the sight of him shattered her heart. 

He’d never looked so exhausted. So defeated. 

They didn’t speak. He crawled into bed beside her and lay motionless on his side. 

Silence. 

Finally, a single, trembling hand reached for her thigh. She turned to look at him and saw the tears in his eyes. She lowered herself down to the pillows and wrapped an arm around him. 

He curled into her chest. The circles she rubbed along his back were half-hearted, at best. 

A sob. Then another. Then another, and another, and he was crying, heaving, struggling to breathe against the fabric of the shirt. She closed her eyes and propped her head on top of his. 

She couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like this. Had he ever cried like this? Not on her. Perhaps after Julia, alone and forsaken thanks to what she had done to him. To all of them. 

“What did I do to him?” Magnus whimpered. 

Her lip trembled. She couldn’t let him take the blame for this. But she couldn’t speak. 

“I don’t know what to do.” His voice cracked. 

She didn’t say anything at all. 

Magnus eventually slept like that, in his clothes, still and dreamless above the covers. She slipped away from him and she turned onto her side and she did not sleep. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Chapter 7 and we're finally at the goddamn beach!

The hangover that crept in on Taako was immediately and wholly regrettable. Merle had brought him up to the surprisingly spacious attic room, complete with an iron spiral staircase and a modest but comfortable bed, complete with a quilt. The lighting was warm and welcoming. The place was a little dusty, a little worn, but most definitely Merle. 

“Put it up here for guests, but we’ve got enough guest rooms as it is downstairs. But I designed this one myself. Which is why it’s pretty threadbare. But hey, it’s only a couple days,” Merle explained, long-winded in an attempt to fill Taako’s silence once more. 

Taako stepped into the room and perched himself on the edge of the bed, hands on his knees. 

“I’ll bring ya some water. You just lay down now. Feel sick at all?” 

Taako swallowed. “Hungover.” 

Merle muttered a cantrip and Taako felt his headache evaporate into nothingness.

“Thanks.” 

“Makes up for all the times I didn’t heal ya, eh?” Merle snorted. 

A while later, the sun finally broke the horizon and snuck in through the circular windows of the attic, filling the room with pink and gold. It wasn’t so bad, being here. Everything else might have felt like hell, but the room… there was something light about it. Taako thought to cast detect magic, but he figured it wasn’t worth the effort. He was sure there was something magic afoot, and as much as he resented Merle for helping where he didn’t  _ want  _ help, he felt calmer than he had at the Bureau. But then again, that wasn’t saying a whole lot. 

He was laying on his back in the center of the bed when Merle returned. The dwarf placed the glass of water on the mosaic-topped side table and cleared his throat. Taako stared at the ceiling, his long fingers folded over his stomach, rising and falling with his calmed breathing. 

“Kids’ll be here soon. I’m gonna try to keep ‘em quiet for ya. Mookie can be a handful but hopefully he’ll let you sleep some. They’ll stay outta your hair.” 

Taako nodded, unable to get himself to open his mouth and form words to thank Merle. The bundle of feelings within him twisted and bunched in on themselves, so he rolled onto his side and away from his old friend in response. 

“You can climb on out the window over there if you want a nice seat. It’s a little small, but it’s got a railing so ya won’t, y’know, fall off or some dumb shit like that.” Merle trailed off a little, remembering the circumstances and Taako’s mental state. “If you don’t feel safe, tell me, okay?” 

Taako nodded again. 

Merle patted the quilt twice with subtle determination, and without another word, turned and headed down the spiral staircase. Each one of his footsteps landed with a metallic clink below him. As the sound receded, Taako finally relaxed into the pillows. He curled his knees up and slid easily below the quilt. It was lighter than it looked, not too warm for the season, but still comforting. 

He fell into a long and needed sleep, deeper than his scarce meditations, for the rest of the morning. 

When he woke up after lunchtime, he rolled over and found a peanut butter sandwich with orange marmalade. A signature Merle favorite. Definitely not gourmet, not Taako’s usual cuisine, but part of him was thankful for it anyway. 

He took a bite and chewed, the peanut butter sticking to his teeth, and the white bread to the roof of his mouth. He wasn’t really hungry; in fact, he didn’t have much of an appetite at all. He left it at one bite and placed the sandwich back down on the green plate. A few moments later, he felt ill. But he laid back down and ignored the feeling and tried to go back to sleep. 

His mind kept wandering back to Lup. He’d noticed that they’d been growing apart ever since her fiery return on the moonbase. She’d spent a decade meditating in her helpless solitude, and he’d spent a decade thinking he’d lived his whole arduous life completely alone. How could they  _ not  _ wind up as opposites after that? How could they find a memory that’d technically already  _ returned  _ after it’d been stolen from them? 

He was lonely as ever. And Lup was at the very root of it all.. When he was out of sync with her, he was out of sync with the world around them. And without that synchrony, how could he balance himself at all? How could he connect with anyone else when half of his heart had been torn-- no, not torn, meticulously cut and carved from the inked pages of memory within him? His stomach bunched into a tight knot and moved up into his chest until all he could feel was tense and sick and sad. He wanted his sister back. He wanted the days before all this complication, where Lup had completed him, Magnus had loved him, Lucretia had held him up. Now it just seemed like the opposite of each of these constants was true. Some time-tarnished reflection of the life they were supposed to all have together when it was over. None of this was what he’d ever dreamt of on those nights, spent cuddled and safe under Magnus’s arm, or next to Lup, when he had nightmares and needed her there to hang onto. 

Now when he had nightmares, he slept alone. Sometimes Kravitz was there to help him surface from the suffocating blackness and the reels upon reels upon reels of memories that came unspooled and filled the spaces within him until there was no room left to breathe. His heart hammered beneath the quilt just thinking about those restless nights now. He missed what it felt like to feel safe and well-rested and healthy. He hadn’t felt that way for a long, long, long time. Perhaps not  _ truly  _ since their year spent on the beach. 

Now, there was no time. He had a school to run. He had a brand to maintain. And he had to try to keep Kravitz within reach, and Lup in his sight, and everyone else at arm’s length, for fear of some other left-field stab in the back. And on top of all that, he was still trying to piece himself back together from the damage Magnus had done to him, how he’d used him, how he’d left him high and dry despite how hard Taako was trying to keep him close. Taako thought about all the fights they’d had over the past years and dwelled on how much of them had been his own fault. He couldn’t tell anymore. He was sure it’d been Magnus who had instigated them. And if Magnus hadn’t, then Taako was sure he must have done something to deserve the brunt of his anger and his tears. He had to be. He’d chosen Lucretia after all. 

And the sum of all this didn’t even include Lucretia. This was only the fallout of what she had done. At the end of the day, at the end of his rope, at the end of  _ everything,  _ that was his problem.  _ She  _ was his problem. 

Any serenity that he’d embraced in lieu of a hangover in the calm attic room was whisked away with one second of contemplation. He reeled back into his own rage, though he was too exhausted to actually do anything about it. He rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in the pillows and imaged how it’d feel to suffocate in them. The only thing that kept him from doing so was denying Lucretia the satisfaction.

* * *

 

Taako spent the rest of that day in bed, coming down to the hall below the attic only to use the bathroom and splash water on his face. He’d slept most of the day away, dozing in and out of dreamless sleep, unaware of the presence of Mavis and Mookie, who, to Merle’s surprise had stayed quiet for most of the day. Well, Mavis was no surprise on that front, with her nose always buried books that seemed to get thicker and thicker each time she came back to visit her stepfather. Mookie, on the other hand, was always hollering about something. He was eleven now, and loud and rowdy as ever. Merle didn’t mind much. He rejoiced in having the kids around, now more than ever before. He only worried that this weekend they’d stir the shit a little too much and prevent Taako from having a chance to unwind. In fact, he didn’t tell Mookie that Taako was even in the house until it was nearly time for bed. 

“Uncle Taako’s here?!” Mookie shouted from his bed as Merle shut the door to talk to him before he went to sleep. 

“Yup, and he’s feelin’ real sick, so we gotta just be quiet until he feels like comin’ to hang out with us, alright?” 

Mookie flopped back onto his mattress. “Alriiight.” 

When Merle emerged a bit later from Mookie’s room, he saw Mavis through the crack in her doorway, scribbling in a notebook by the pinkish light of her desk lamp. 

“You need anything, sweetheart?” Merle asked, nudging the door open. 

Mavis shook her head without looking up, but then seemed to catch herself. She put her pen down and turned to him, peering at him through her circular golden-framed glasses. “I’m okay, thanks Dad… Is, um…” 

Merle waited for her to finish her thought patiently.

Mavis faltered a little for a moment. “Is Uncle Taako okay?” 

Merle let out a long sigh. “He’s, ah… having a rough time. Been kinda sick, so I figured some time at the beach might help, huh?” 

“He’s sick? Are there any ways you could heal him? I mean, there are spells that--” 

Merle shook his head. “I wish it was that easy, baby.” 

Mavis’s eyes softened with understanding. She wasn’t a stranger to the other ways a person could be sick. To the days her mother spent lost in her own bed after her husband up and left them. To the hours she spent skimming cookbooks and teaching herself the basic upkeep of their beachside home while she was too young, in hopes that she could keep her mother and her brother afloat. 

She hoped that Merle meant something besides that kind of sick. 

Merle walked into the room and kissed her atop the head. “Goodnight. We can talk more about it in the morning, if you like.” 

“Okay,” she said softly. 

Merle retreated from her room and shut the door, but she could hear him as he headed down the hallway and up the corner spiral staircase up into the attic. Merle’s voice was muffled, his words indiscernible, but he sounded concerned. Then, it was quiet. Then, finally, a shout that was certainly not her stepfather’s. More quiet words, then footsteps on the metal stairs, then Merle’s door closing softly. 

After waiting for a few minutes in tentative silence, Mavis got up from her desk and left her room, leaving her door open so she wouldn’t have to make any unnecessary noise. She walked silently down the hall. 

She stood at the bottom of the staircase, trying to decide if she should climb up or not. She worried that she’d be invading her uncle’s privacy, or that she’d interrupt his rest, or upset him further. She knew he wasn’t well. She could feel it in the air now, a palpable sadness that had come over the space between the attic and Merle’s room. She drummed her fingers along the iron railing and thought long and hard about what to do. 

When she heard a sniff and footsteps from the attic, she gasped softly and bolted back down the hall to her room. Taako came slumping down the stairs and straight into the bathroom. He looked quite disheveled. 

Mavis took a deep breath in. Maybe if she said hi, she could just brighten him a tiny bit. It had always made her mother smile, even on the worst days, when she had approached her with something soft that she could offer. A flower she’d found, or a book she’d liked, or a new thing she’d learned at school. There had to be something she could offer to Taako that might do the same. She just wanted to help. 

She left her room once more and crept down the hall to where the light peeked out from beneath the bathroom door. She could hear the sink running.

The sound stopped, followed by the door opening. Taako flinched when he noticed her there. 

“Hi, Uncle Taako,” she said quietly, fidgeting with her hands. She looked up at him and took in the sight of his face, exhausted and sunken, dark circles around his eyes, which were red and puffy from crying. His face was more gaunt than she remembered. Her father was right; Taako  _ was  _ sick. The gaze he returned drilled through the middle of her, right into her gut, and filled her with the same tiredness and ache. She knit her brow in concern as Taako ran a hand over his face. 

“Hey, kid,” he said without inflection.  _ That  _ was even less Taako than how he looked. 

“Um… my dad said you were feeling sick, so when I heard you come down I just wanted to say hi. And that if you want any books to read, I have a lot in my room.” 

For a brief moment, Taako looked like he was holding in tears. That was the exact opposite of what she’d wanted to make him feel. But just as soon, the look was gone, replaced by a carefully crafted expression void of any emotion at all. 

“Thanks,” Taako nodded. Without saying anything else, he turned back to the stairs and climbed back up to his room. 

Mavis frowned to herself and walked back down the hall, replaying the conversation in her mind. So, maybe cheering Taako up wouldn’t be so simple. But if he came downstairs tomorrow during the day, or maybe even came out to the beach, she’d be able to find  _ something  _ to lift his spirits. She knew that much. 

After all, she was always up for a challenge. 


	8. Chapter 8

Taako forced himself out of bed the next afternoon, dragging himself down to the bathroom against his own will. After relieving himself and sipping some water out of the faucet, he noticed the neatly folded tropical print shirt on top of the hutch beside him. Merle had left a note.  _ Sorry it’s not your style, but it’s clean.  _ His handwriting was still shitty as ever. 

Taako sighed loudly to himself and discarded the Bureau-issued pajama shirt he’d spent the last 24 hours in and put on Merle’s too-wide and too-short button-down. He unbuttoned it, tied the two halves of the bottom into a neat knot, and wore it as a makeshift crop-top with his rolled-up pajama shorts. 

Upon changing his clothes, he was forced to take a long look at himself in the mirror. He looked like shit, in every sense of the word. In every possible way a person could ever look like shit. He followed the tired lines that seemed to bore deep into his face as he slept, to his eyes that seemed to get darker and more distant by the day, to the downturned line of his lips. With a quick spell muttered under his breath, he removed the remaining mascara and smudged eyeliner that remained on his skin from two nights prior that had been making his eyes look darker still.

He looked down at his stomach. He’d known he’d lost weight from not caring for himself, and that Kravitz in particular had voiced his concern multiple times, but Taako had just brushed it off as paranoia. But as he looked at himself under the bathroom light, he saw what his boyfriend had worried over for months. His skin was sallow, covered in scars old and new. He could see his ribs beneath the bottom of the knotted shirt. He’d always been skinny, but not like this. He looked sickly and scarred and it startled him. 

He opened the medicine cabinet as if Kravitz might be on the other side, like how he’d found him in the gemstone mirror at the Millers’ lab. He wanted to call him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to bother him, despite the apology that, against all odds and emotions, had reassured him that Kravitz still cared deeply for his wellbeing. He was perhaps one of the only ones left who did, Taako thought. He knew that Kravitz was busy with work. He hadn’t even been able to take a few hours out for their anniversary, so bothering him now was probably even worse. 

Maybe Kravitz had just encouraged him to come here to get him out of his hair. What if Taako went home and Kravitz left him? What if he went back home and Kravitz was already long gone? 

Taako became aware of his position, gripping the porcelain sink tight with both hands, staring down at the drain with wide eyes, tears dripping with tiny  _ plinks!  _ that only barely broke the stunned silence. His head spun; he felt nauseous. For a moment, he debated falling to his knees at the toilet in an attempt to rid himself of the sensation, but what was he going to do? Vomit the single bite of the sandwich he’d just barely managed to keep down? 

He wanted to cuss himself out. He wanted to kick himself down for being so stupid, an inconvenience to such a busy and well-established man. All he ever did was hold Kravitz down from the finer things that he deserved. No matter how many times Kravitz asserted that this was not true, Taako was sure. And now, as he looked up at himself in the mirror, hair messy and face disgusting and shirt tied up so foolishly, he felt like a clown for even trying. For even thinking he could compete with any other aspect of Kravitz’s life. 

Krav was probably only keeping him around out of pity, he thought. 

He blinked the tears from his eyes and wiped the back of his hand over his face, steadied himself into numbness, and exited the bathroom. Merle was coming up the stairs as he headed for the attic. 

“Hey you, Sleeping Beauty,” Merle joked, gruff. “Want to come have somethin’ to eat?” 

Taako couldn’t bring himself to answer. He could barely fathom the very thought of food, let alone actually having it in front of him. He disappeared back into the attic. Merle didn’t follow him.

* * *

As the sun set, Merle walked down the beach and back towards his home. He kept a watchful eye on Mookie, who had taken to running along in the surf and flinging seaweed that got tangled up around his ankles back into the water, giggling madly the whole time. Mavis walked on her own, looking contemplative as ever. Merle worried about her sometimes. 

As they got closer to the house, he followed Mavis’s serious gaze to the rooftop, where he could make out the suggestion of Taako’s figure at the widow’s walk. He slowed his stride so he walked evenly with his daughter. 

“I feel sorry,” Mavis said softly. “He seems so sad.” 

Merle felt something tighten in his throat. He’d gotten so caught up in the mess of the crew’s drama and pain that he’d forgotten just how terrible his struggles must seem from the outside. How heavy and wretched they truly were. 

“He hasn’t had an easy life. I mean, you know the story.” 

“Yeah…” 

In the distance, Mookie shouted about finding a clam. Merle checked on him for a moment with a terse chuckle, then returned his attention to Mavis. Her eyes were still trained on the roof. 

“Don’t worry so much, okay? I’ve got it handled.” 

Mavis glanced over at him. “I’m sure you do.” she deadpanned. 

Merle chuckled and reached out to nudge her arm. 

When they returned to the house, Mavis helped Mookie set the table for dinner while Merle made the trek up to the top floor of the house to the attic. He found the room in disarray: the quilt hanging tangled and halfway off the bed, the barely-touched sandwich on the plate abandoned on the floor, a lamp knocked over from where Taako had climbed out the double windows to the roof. Merle shook his head and followed his path out to where he was sitting under the sunset. 

If Taako was aware of Merle’s presence, he didn’t make it known. He stared out over the stretching mass of water before them. The purples and reds of the sky were reflected in the ripples of the cove. Merle had seen a thousand beach sunsets; one might think that at some point it’d get old, but it never did. Not for Merle, at least. There was something new every day. 

This much was new: Taako was there, and he wasn’t well, and he needed help. And Merle felt entirely useless. He’d thought that a weekend at the beach would help Taako relax, but he hadn’t even made it down from the third floor of the house, let alone to the beach. And now, he was due to leave tomorrow, and nothing had changed. How could he send him home to Lup and Kravitz having been no help? 

It broke his heart to see Taako hurting like this. He’d never admit it out loud, but hell, he loved the him. He had for a long, long time now. He’d met him as (the elven equivalent of) an eager kid, more talented in magic at his entrance to the Institute than even many of the faculty on campus. He’d never had Taako as a student, nor had he known him in his years at the Institute itself, but the minute he’d met the twins, he knew that they were something special. And they were. They were brilliant, talented, sharp individuals whose determination had been forged in hardship. But they were always a unit. Always together, clinging to each other. Merle didn’t quite  _ understand  _ this; he’d never had a twin, and he figured it was hard to compare that kind of bond with any other. However, in the many conversations he’d shared with Taako, many of which had been dismissed with a wave of Taako’s hand, or some slang-riddled sarcastic remark to avoid the root of the message, he’d tried to teach him the value of himself as an individual. 

He remembered a year that Lup had died halfway through, before she and Barry had turned themselves undead. Taako was lost in his grief, though he tried so hard to hide it. Merle had found him sitting up on a cliffside in a silence not unlike the one hanging heavy between them right now. 

Back then, he didn’t need to remind Taako that she was coming back. He reminded him that he would be okay without her. That he had the rest of the team to lean on. That he was still a whole person by himself. (He didn’t say it like that, of course; that would have gotten a quick laugh and a “good one, my man.” But that had been the long and short of the message he’d at least hoped he’d articulated.) Either way, Taako had never quite taken that message to heart. And then, with the betrayal, the forgetting… He’d learned his value as an individual. And Merle didn’t know a whole lot about those years, but from what he did know, it didn’t seem like that value was very much at all. 

Merle gazed out over the water, trying to uncomplicate his line of thinking. He needed to be more practical. He couldn’t spend what little time remained with Taako here just wishing he could change the past. He couldn’t change the past, and he knew it. He reminded himself of that every day. But at times like these, it didn’t stop him from wishing. 

“Told ya it’s nice out here, huh?” Merle said, wanting to nudge Taako, but knowing better than to poke a coiled snake. Taako only nodded, so he continued. “If you wanna stay one more day, that’s cool with me. The kids have been askin’ for ya. Or, if you want ‘em out of your hair, I can keep ‘em away and you can go down for a walk on the beach? Or if you wanna use the kitchen--”

“I’ll let you know, dude.” 

Taako’s eyes were shielded by the messy fringe of his bangs. Merle pursed his lips when he was unable to get a read on the elf. Instead of giving up, he took a seat on the other side of the widow’s walk and folded his hands, resting his elbows on his knees. 

“Do you wanna… talk about things?” 

Taako barked out a laugh, looking away. “Uh, no. That’s a hard, hard pass compadre.” 

At least he was talking. He hadn’t spoken much to Merle, save telling him to leave him be the night before. 

Merle smirked. “Alright, yeah, guess that was a dumbass question. But seriously, I mean, if ya just want someone to yell at, I can take it. Hell, I used to live with Hecuba, so... “ 

“Not sure if I can compete with that.”

Merle let out a surprised laugh as the sideways jab at his ex wife. She’d met Taako a few times and, well, they were both quite the forces to be reckoned with. 

“Well, how about this: stay one more day. Do whatever you want. But maybe leave the room for a bit?” Merle paused as an idea popped into his head. “Hey, after the kids go to bed, I have some goooood  _ grass…”  _

“Weed? Can you please just call it weed,” Taako sighed, but he couldn’t hide the twitch of his ears at the mention of the favored plant. He knew Taako liked the stuff. And Merle always had the  _ good  _ stuff. 

“Weed, pot, Mary Jane, whatever man. You know what I’m saying.” 

Taako put his chin on his knees, still not looking at the dwarf. “I may just take you up on that.”

Merle took that as his cue to leave. “Okay. Well, you just let me know. I’m not goin’ anywhere.” 

He hoped that Taako might infer the double meaning tucked away between his words. He put a hand on Taako’s shoulder and he didn’t flinch away. As he climbed back through the window, he decided that that was enough for him. 


	9. Chapter 9

Taako crept downstairs for the first time all weekend to find Merle sprawled out on the couch in the spacious living room, a beer on the table and a big leather-bound book on the floor below him. He wasn’t really reading it, though. He seemed to just be staring up at the ceiling, periodically closing his eyes when he took deep breaths in.

Taako slipped into the kitchen and stood awkwardly for a moment before letting himself into the refrigerator. He still felt sick, but he knew that he was hungry. He’d begun to feel lightheaded from the lack of sustenance sometime in the afternoon. But as he looked at the plentiful shelves of food before him, he couldn’t find anything that he felt he could stomach.

“Could always go down to Chesney’s for a bite, if you’re not feelin’ any of that,” Merle called from the other room. Taako frowned. The thought of going to a bar and being around crowds of people was possibly the last thing he wanted to do right now. And on top of that, the thought of being recognized, being questioned for why he hadn’t been keeping up his usual public image for the last few hard months, filled him with anxiety. When Taako didn’t answer, Merle spoke again. “Or not!”

Taako shut the fridge and walked out to the living room empty-handed. Merle sat up and turned to him.

“I think you should eat something,” Merle said.

Taako shrugged.

“Well, let’s see if we can’t get some munchies goin’ then.”

Merle hopped off the couch and walked to the box he had on the table. He took a key from a string on his neck and unlocked it to reveal an intricate blown-glass pipe and a plentiful pile of marijuana, tucked neatly into a bag.

“Shall we?” Merle sang with a quirk of his brow.

Taako nodded and followed him out onto the wraparound porch of the second floor. The house’s position up and away from the beach, plus the height of the porch itself, made for quite a nice view of the water. It wasn’t as good as the roof, but it was something.

Merle packed the pipe slowly, neither of them particularly uncomfortable with the silence. For all the years they’d spent adventuring and traveling together, there was very little concern for filling the space with unnecessary small talk, or trying to be hyper-aware of the other’s emotional state. The bonds made on the Starblaster transcended that of even family in that way, sometimes. They didn’t always need to explain, or worry for everyone else’s thoughts. They could just _be._ It served as a nice reprieve from the newer relationships they’d made in Faerun that required more emotional upkeep than perhaps they were used to.

Merle passed Taako the pipe first. Taako lit in and inhaled deeply, holding his breath for a moment, then exhaled a cloud of pungent, whitish smoke. Seeing that the cherry was still burning, he took another drag until it burned out, then passed it back to Merle.

As Merle took his turn, the effects crept up on Taako quickly. All the muscles that had been tightly coiled for who knows how long finally relaxed. The edges of his vision blurred ever so slightly. His heart felt a little lighter, his headache lifted slightly, the nausea inside him started to subside. He looked over at Merle, who was taking another long hit from the pipe, then passed it back without looking as he exhaled an impossibly long stream of smoke without so much as coughing. Taako cocked a brow, admittedly impressed, though he knew that Merle was a seasoned smoker in this regard.

They passed the pipe back and forth for awhile, not talking. Not needing to. Taako was grateful for the silence. It _was_ nice to be able to sit and relax for a moment without having to dwell on his feelings, nor be interrogated about them. The bench swayed ever-so-slightly in the wind and from their movements, jangling the chains it hung on just a little bit.

Magnus had built the swing, of course. He tried not to think too much about it. The rounded edges of everything sharp, thanks to the haze of smoke around him, kept the thoughts from coming too close.

Taako looked out over the water, admiring how the larger moon, the real one, cast bluish white light on the ever-moving surface of the sea. His eyes wandered with indifference to the second moon above. He didn’t feel much. He just felt empty.

“Kinda feels like home, huh? In a weird way?” Merle said, looking up at the moons with him.

Taako didn’t answer.

“Ah, well. Guess this is home, anyway.”

Taako swallowed, feeling the slow thrum of his heartbeat under his skin. He felt sad, but in a way that weighed only within his heart. It didn’t touch his body, or his mind. He couldn’t explain it. Instead, he simply asked, “Do you miss it?”

Merle looked up from where he’d been packing another bowl. “What, home? The Institute?”

“Everything before.”

Merle went silent for a moment, contemplating the question. “I mean, yeah, sure. Parts of it… what I remember, I guess? It was so long ago now. You’ve got better memory than I do.”

Taako made a noise not even he could put a name to. The idea of him having a good memory was just laughable at best, considering their circumstances.

“You know what I mean. I dunno, man. I think that it’s good to look back on it fondly, but there’s no use in wishing for a return to those days or any of that shit. ‘Cause we ain’t going back. We can cross all these planes and shit, but until that Miller idiot invents a stupid time machine, we’re stuck here.”

Taako put his feet up on the bench and crossed his legs pretzel-style. Merle handed him the pipe “Well, I wish the nerd would.”

“We all have things we wish we could take back. All of us.” Merle sighed. “I mean, hell. I did a lot of shit everywhere I’ve been that I’m not proud of. But ya know what?”

Taako took a too-long drag from the pipe. His exhale turned promptly into a coughing fit. Merle waited for him to calm down, then handed him the half-full glass of water from beside the swing.

“The past is the past, brother. We can’t change that now, can we?”

Taako shrugged and looked down at the pipe in his hands, resting in his lap. “I wish I could.”

“What about it would you change?”

Taako’s jaw tightened. Despite the dreamy haze of his high, the electric anger that had taken up residence in his heart for the past few years made a resurgence. “A lot of things. Not really _your_ business, but guess you’re gonna ask anyway.”

Taako felt a little sorry for the way the words had come out. He didn’t _want_ to snap at Merle; he knew he was only trying to help. But this would only prove the point he’d been making over and over and over again: nobody understood how he felt, and until they could, nobody could truly give a shit about those feelings. Or about him.

“Ya don’t have to explain. I was just curious, ‘cause you brought it up and all.”

Taako sighed. “Yeah.”

They fell into another long silence. Merle took the pipe from Taako, finished the contents inside, and put it down on the table beside him.

Taako thought about home, and what it meant. Home was his house, finally an unmoving place to cook and love and laugh and sleep. Home was the Starblaster and the hum of its engine in the long, long nights spent awake and afraid. Home was the dormitories of the Institute, not minding the shared space because it was a space that he could call his. Home was wandering in caravans, campfires, cooking just to earn his keep, all with his sister within arm’s length. All of these places, always, with Lup by his side.

Lup. Lup was home.

“I, um…” Taako let out a shaky laugh. “I miss being a kid. Stupid, it fuckin’ sucked, but…”

He didn’t notice the fat tears that had blurred his vision until they were already dripping down his cheeks. He sniffed. He wanted to wipe them away, but his arms felt heavy on the bench below. Usually he could have willed himself to stop crying, but he had no such luck this time. His bottom lip trembled and all at once he dissolved into shaky sobs.

Merle looked concerned beside him, but said nothing, made no move to touch him. Taako was thankful for that.

“I just think, um,” Taako continued. The words shook so hard that they were barely intelligible, but Merle listened intently. “I think if we’d stayed, Lup and I could have had a normal fuckin’ life! Right? Maybe…”

Merle laughed quietly. “Any of us havin’ a normal life was shot from day one, I think. I mean, think about what woulda happened had we not all been on that team?”

Anger surged hot through his sorrow at the thought of someone, _anyone_ else taking Lucretia’s place. “I can imagine a few better scenarios.”

Taako knew Merle wasn’t going to touch that one, nor did he really want him to. His momentary fury subsided and left him only with his tears once again. He put his face in his hands and hunched over on himself.

“I… I dunno, Taako. You’ve had a real hard life. We all have, but especially you. And you know that.”

Taako wept.

“I can’t imagine what it felt like to be without your sister. I mean, even without _remembering_ her, she’s such a firecracker… I’m sure you knew without knowing. And that hurts like hell, right? Knowing something’s wrong, but not knowing what, or why, or how?”

Taako brought his legs up to his chest once more into what had become his default position over the past days. He pressed his face into his knees and felt his tears wet the skin there. Merle was right. He was _still_ right. That’s how he felt now, about everyone, about everything. He sobbed. “She didn’t deserve to go through any of this shit. It was my idea to apply to the Institute, like a fucking _idiot._ And look what happened to her.”

Merle’s voice was thick when he spoke again. “t was supposed to be _two months._ None of us knew. Lup’s back now, but... you went through some shit too, Taako, and it wasn’t right. You didn’t deserve that, either. You didn’t deserve to feel alone then, and you don’t now. And it’s not your fault.”

Taako squeezed his eyes shut and fell still as time passed; the waves lapped against the shore, the breeze fanned lightly over his back and through his long, tangled hair. Tears dripped down his expressionless face and onto his knees.

It’d been so long since anyone had just… acknowledged his pain. What he’d been through was wrong, and it had broken him, and since then, the people who were supposed to be his family had spent their time largely telling him to just _let it go._ Even Lup herself. So he had clung tighter to his pain as a reminder to himself that it had been real in the first place, in hopes that one day someone would try to grasp just how deeply it had shattered him. Trying to put his pieces back together alone was impossible. He’d given up a long time ago and settled for life as it was: soldiering on, putting on a glamour, flashing a smile, jokes, quips, kisses, then unraveling into nothing behind closed doors. And it was the fighting- the terrible, furious, hysterical fighting- where he had finally started to resign himself to that nothingness full-time. He stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring. He deflected Kravitz’s concerned gazes with kisses, and Lup’s worried questions with jokes. And he marched on. And on and on and on. Into nothing.

“Hey, kid,” Merle said softly, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Taako looked up, wiping his tears off his face in embarrassment.

He smiled warmly, melancholy hidden just barely behind his eyes. “Want me to pack another?”

Despite himself, Taako let out a teary laugh, and nodded.

* * *

That night, his dreams slipped quickly into nightmares. They encroached in all their blackness over the previously unconscious sleep that had at least provided a little rest the nights prior. Lup was there, and then she wasn’t. She was alive, flesh and bone, and then she was incorporeal. She was light and flame and then she was cracked red and lightning. She was there in his mind, and then she was gone, gone, gone, slipping through his fingers like smoke.

He cried out and woke himself, rolled over, then slipped back under.

Black curtains. Fear. Silverpoint poison on a blade, slashing down his own back. Loneliness. A skeleton in a cave.

An umbrella clutched helplessly in his stupid, unknowing hand.

In his nightmares, she screamed to him. The staff quaked and exploded into splinters in his hand. She had her way on the world that had hurt her, and she took him down with it. She screeched, grotesque and terrifying as he fell to his knees, and finally filled their whole plane with the horrible, reprehensible truth: _YOU DID THIS TO ME._

Flame. Black glass. And then… nothing.

He woke up, screaming, with no one to reach for. Nobody to tell him it wasn’t real.

He fumbled in moonlight for his stone of farspeech, discarded under the bed with the rest of his scarce belongings. He finally found it and dialed the most familiar code he knew, trying to suck back his tears.

“Ko? What’s wrong?” Lup answered on the first ring.

Taako burst into tears.

“Oh, darling,” she said softly. He could hear Barry stirring somewhere close beside her. “Talk to me. What’s happening?”

He opened his mouth to tell her, but his throat strangled itself closed and left him voiceless. His breath came and went in short gasps.

“Breathe with me, okay?” And she inhaled deeply, held it in for a moment, then exhaled. She repeated the exercise a few times and waited for the sound of him on the other end to coordinate with her.

Taako clutched at his forehead with his free hand. He forced breath in and out of his lungs. The oxygen burned in his chest.

“Taako?”

“Yeah,” he finally managed to say. His voice cracked.

“What’s up? What happened? Nightmare?”

He nodded and sniffed. “Yeah.”

“Oh,” she breathed. “I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

He shut his eyes tight and thought about the image of her form, twisted and rotted and terror incarnate, faulting him for all her pain. He recoils just from the memory. He can’t bring himself to speak to it at all. He felt shame for dreaming it in the first place, even though in the deepest, most terrified part of him, he knew that those visions were true.

“It’s okay if you don’t.”

“Yeah, no, I, uh… don’t think I can swing that one, Lu,” he whispered, his voice cracking in and out.

She cleared her throat on the other end of the line. “Are you coming home today?”

“I… nah, I’m gonna overstay my welcome. Maybe catch some rays. Take a cat nap. You know me.”

“That sounds like a good idea. I’m glad.”

It was so strange, trying to talk through the aftermath of the nightmare with her on the phone. It was easier to push Barry out of her bed and have her hold him tight, just as she had when they were children. They didn’t have to talk. He missed not having to talk. He felt like all that was ahead of him was talking.

“I’m so sorry,” he whimpered abruptly. She started to make a noise of confusion, but he continued. “It’s my fault that you-- that you wound up in the umbr--”

“I’m going to stop you right there, Taako. That umbrella? All me. Like, 100%. Totally me. Did not think that one through at all.”

“But--”

“No! It’s not, and I’m not even going to let you get upset about it. Listen, we’ve been in this together. That means, at _best,_ it’s half my fault. If not more.”

“Lulu,” he cried. “I know that you won’t say it, but it’s true. I’m the one who said we should join the--”

“Join the IPRE so we wouldn’t be homeless? Yeah, what a shitty idea, babe.”

He sniffled and wiped tears from his face. He felt stupid.

“Do you want me to come see you? We can hang out on the beach, if you want.”

Taako didn’t like being apart from her for longer than necessary, and all things considered, Lup probably needed a break from everything too. Maybe he could forget all the things he’d been crying about if she were right there in front of him.

“Yeah, come on down, I guess... Can you bring me some fuckin’ clothes?” he said, shaking some of his tears. “I’m tired of Merle’s shitty island collection.”

Lup snorted, and a smile quirked his lips. “You’re wearing his clothes?”

He wailed in mock-agony this time, shaky with residual tears, but laced with a laugh. “I only had those _horrendous_ Bureau pajamas!”

“Well, I can fix that. What do you want?”

“You know me. Whatever looks good.”

He could hear her smile on the other end. He wanted to tell her to cut the cute shit out, but he didn’t. “Okay. I’ll see you in the morning? Bright and early.”

“Don’t get crazy. Ch’boy needs his beauty sleep.”

She laughed. “Oh, you know when I say bright and early, I mean eleven.”

“I know.”


	10. Chapter 10

Lup sat at the table in Merle’s kitchen as she picked at her plate of subpar french toast and bacon. She was thankful when Mavis came over and scooted some scrambled eggs onto her plate that she had made for herself. ( _ “You’re nice for trying the french toast, Auntie. I know it’s not very good.”  _ Mavis had whispered to her. Lup chortled while Merle had his back turned.) She sipped her orange juice and watched Mookie scribbling on a coloring book with surprising precision. 

She and Merle didn’t say much. In fact, he refrained from making a comment about Taako not getting up yet at all. Granted, nobody had tried to get him up, but he needed his sleep. And if Merle had gone to wake him up, she would have stopped him anyway. She knew that Taako hadn’t been sleeping, let alone meditating, for days at a time now. And his call in the wee hours of the morning was indicative that his nightmares were getting worse. Part of her wished that she had been there to comfort him, but perhaps this was for the best. He needed to learn how to cope with these things on his own. She and Krav weren’t always going to be able to be there to care for him; the unfortunate truth of the matter was that their job was very important, and very specific, and when a goddess called, you couldn’t exactly hang up the stone. This would be good for Taako. Or at least, so she hoped. 

“Do you think this weekend has helped at all? He didn’t say much when he called last night,” Lup said quietly, hoping that the kids wouldn’t hear. Mookie seemed oblivious, but she knew better than to believe that Mavis wasn’t observing every little thing around her, putting the pieces together for herself, since Lup was certain her father wasn’t giving her the full story. 

“I… huh. I’m not really sure. He slept most of it away, which is maybe what he needed?” Merle sighed, putting his elbows up on the table. “But, uh, we had a talk last night. Maybe it was good. Iunno. I thought he might have needed to hear some of the shit I was sayin’.” 

“Dad…” Mavis warned at her father’s use of language around young Mookie. 

“Sorry, sweetheart. My fault.” 

Lup laughed, the sound ringing like a bell in the otherwise quiet kitchen. “Well, maybe he did. I’ll try to squeeze something out of him when we go for our walk down the sandy shore, or whatever we’re going to do today.” 

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” Merle took pause, glancing at the stairs as if he’d be able to peer up through two floors and into the attic. “Not gonna lie, I feel even more useless than I thought I would be, sister.” 

“I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. You did him a kindness by having him over, Merle. Nobody was asking you to fix all the mess. It’s not your job to undo all the nonsense that everyone else contributed to, you know that, right?” 

Merle glanced up at her, looking a little downtrodden. Lup felt Mavis looking at her from the corner of her eye. 

“Yeah, I know. I just wish--” 

Before Merle could finish, the four of them were distracted by the sound of Taako’s light footfalls down the wooden stairs that led into the living room and kitchen area. The elf walked down to meet them, looking down at the floor until he was closer to Lup. 

“Hi, Lulu,” he greeted, still sounding sleepy. 

“Hey, dingus,” she smiled kindly and hopped out of her seat to meet him. She pulled him into a tight hug that he returned with half the strength. “I really hate the shirt!” 

“Hey!” Merle squinted from behind his glasses. “That’s a Highchurch classic.” 

Lup poked Taako’s side and he yelped into a laugh. “Sure is, old man, and it’s an ugly one,” he said, a little spark returning to his eyes that hadn’t been there in the days before. 

“I brought you some clothes, don’t worry.” 

Taako nodded and took a seat next to Lup’s. He stole a sip of her orange juice. 

“Do you want somethin’ to eat? So long as you’re gonna shit on my clothes that I  _ graciously  _ loaned you, may as well steal my food, while you’re at it,” Merle said, picking up a piece of floppy french toast with a fork. 

Taako seemed to weigh the pros and cons for a moment before shaking his head. “I’ll just steal off Lup’s plate. I’m not super hungry at the mo’.” 

Merle shrugged without malice. “Suit yourself.” 

Taako had a few bites of eggs and bacon before setting the fork down entirely and turning his focus elsewhere. Lup watched as he picked at his nails. Mavis was sneaking looks at him as she pretended to be interested in her plate of food. 

Lup nudged his foot with hers under the table, then pointed to Mavis with only her eyes and a most subtle jut of her chin. The language they’d learned to speak in decades ago for sake of survival. A language they’d really been born with, spoken before they’d even left the womb. 

“Hey, Mave,” Taako started, unsure of what to say. “What’cha been reading for school?” 

Mavis seemed surprised that Taako was even speaking to her. “Um, a few different things. We’re learning about the origins of language used specifically in cantrips right now,” she explained. 

“Oh, super cool. So like, Latin and junk, right?” 

“Right.” She nodded. She launched into a long explanation and Taako nodded along, seeming more interested in what Mavis was saying than Lup knew he really was. 

Lup looked up at Merle and met his eyes. Merle offered an unsure smile, and shrugged. 

//

Lup managed to coax Taako into the sundress she had brought for him, complete with a flowing sheer skirt. He looked himself over in the mirror for a moment and considered putting a glamour on, but his twin had already seen him looking like utter shit. She’d see right through him. He decided not to bother. 

“Let’s keep it together, m’dude,” he sighed to himself, touching a zit at the corner of his mouth with a chipped nail. 

He walked out onto the sand next to Lup, his arms hugged around himself. He’d put on a cardigan to shield himself from the winds that’d picked up as the afternoon went on. He and Lup walked in silence for a while, letting the sound of the surf fill the air instead of words that were, in all honesty, probably useless. Taako didn’t have anything substantial to say. He was already mortified enough at himself for the way that he’d broken down to  _ Merle,  _ of all people, the night prior. He didn’t need to do the same to Lup. He wanted to relax and have a nice day, and so he was going to. No more of this mopey bullshit nonsense, he told himself. Taako’s good out here. 

It was Lup who finally broke the silence as they climbed up onto a dune to get a better angle on the horizon. “So, Merle tells me you slept all weekend?” 

“Here to relax, baby,” he shrugged. “I don’t tell you how to spend your vacation, hm?” 

“Taako…” 

He sighed, huddling closer into his sweater. “I just wanna hang out, Lu. I don’t wanna… force these stupid conversations.” 

“Okay.” Lup nodded. 

Lup diverted the conversation with ease. She was good at that. She talked about Barry, the meal he’d cooked for her and Kravitz the night before, how he’d made hash browns from scratch and they were actually pretty damn good. Taako rolled his eyes. The day Barry made food that was  _ actually  _ tasty was the day he’d leave the house in sweatpants. (He’d left the house scrubbing once,  _ one time. _ And Barry had already used up  _ his  _ one time of delicious cooking was when he made croissants from scratch and meticulously followed all the particular measurements and repetitive tasks, because he was a fucking nerd.) But Taako knew that his sister loved the man, and though he’d never admit it, Taako loved him too. And he appreciated that even when Taako had made a scene and probably threw the rest of the household off-kilter, Barry was usually the one picking up the pieces and maintaining some kind of normalcy among their weird little family. 

His mind wandered as he and Lup sat down and she went on about the day spent at home, bugging Kravitz while he was trying to read some dusty old tome in his office. He kept dwelling on that lingering thought about Barry. He felt  _ guilty  _ for what he was doing, not only to his sister, but to her husband, too. All the times he went out of his way to be deliberately difficult or to deny their help were adding up. Why did they keep Taako around if he kept stirring up so much shit, causing so much stress, making everyone’s days harder? He knew he must be intolerable at this point. He was always attempting to keep his chin up for their sake, but he snapped at them often. He slammed doors when they pushed him, asking if he was okay. He knew they meant well. He  _ appreciated  _ their well-meaning gestures, even when they upset him. Why did he react so severely to them? Why were they the first ones to catch the brunt of his anger? Of everyone, they were the ones who deserved it the least. He frowned to himself and picked at the hem of the sleeve of his cardigan. 

“You should have seen the look on his face, oh man.” Lup laughed to herself as Taako started listening again. As she glanced over at him, he knew that she knew he hadn’t been listening. 

“I’m sorry,” he said cryptically. 

“For what?” 

He scoffed and made an effort to hide the disgust he felt in himself. “I dunno. Everything? For not listening. For making you come all the way here, for--” 

Lup snorted. “Oh, a day at the beach, what a bummer, right?” 

“Stop, I’m serious,” he said, turning to her. The smile slid from her face. “I’ve got some shit on my plate right now, and somehow I managed to blame that on  _ you _ ? What the fuck is my deal?” 

“...Taako?” 

He was suddenly aware that he’d come out of nowhere with that one. And that his hands that he’d been dramatically motioning with as he spoke was trembling. 

He laughed, nervous and embarrassed. “Hah, look at me go, right?”

“Hey, can you humor me? Just for a moment.” 

Taako rolled his eyes and put his hands down in the sand, smoothing his fingers through the fine pebbles until he found a little shell. The constant sound of the surf allowed him not to answer. 

“Can we just meditate? Just for a few minutes, I promise.” She assured him again.

“I don’t need to--!” 

She reached out and got a firm hold on his forearm. “I know you don’t, but I do! I didn’t meditate this morning and if I don’t before dinner, I’m gonna be grumpy.” She leaned close and lowered her voice. “Especially if we have to eat Merle’s food.” 

Taako’s hammering heartbeat started to subside. 

“So just, a few minutes? I don’t usually get to practice on the beach. I can teach you a new method, if you’d like?” 

He sighed theatrically, as if sitting with his eyes closed was that much of an added stress on him. “Fine,” he conceded. 

She smiled and tapped his arm twice with a bit too much enthusiasm. “Alright. So we’ll start with the usual, then I’ll teach you a new trick.” 

She got up and plopped back down directly across from him, mirroring his cross-legged position atop the dune. He met her eyes and she smiled, but she looked kind of sad.  _ Tired.  _ A pang of guilt rocked through him. Another thing that was his fault. Another toll he was taking on her. Why was her whole life just a string of times she had to hold him up and drag him along through life with her? She deserved more than that. 

“Ready?” she asked. He didn’t reply, only closed his eyes and waited. 

Lup breathed in sharply so he could hear it, then exhaled through a long, long breath. He fell into that pace with her. She seemed to be relaxed immediately; at least, that was the tone she set. But as he breathed and tried to follow her to that place, he just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t because of the beach, or because of Lup, he just… couldn’t. 

Instead, his head kept spinning with the same stormy thoughts. He didn’t deserve a sister like Lup, he thought. She needed people around her who could make her happy. Who hadn’t ruined her life by thinking they should sign up for some stupid mission for some cash and a place to sleep. Who could give her more than a couple jokes and a dinner plate  _ on a good day  _ in exchange for all of her emotional support and energy and time. He felt so guilty. Lup was brilliant. She shined like the fucking sun, and he was… he was… 

His breathing went off-rhythm, starting to move towards something like a panic. Ridiculous, he couldn’t even meditate for two minutes without having a meltdown. 

“Breathe, dear,” Lup said softly, feeling the shift in his energy. 

He tried, but his throat constricted. His heart skipped beats here and there and he felt it and it  _ scared him.  _

He felt her hands slip around his own; her thumbs stroked over his upturned palms. He took a deep breath in and out. This was why he didn’t bother meditating anymore. It was stupid. It didn’t do any good to just sit still and breathe, what did that change? Nothing, that’s what. 

“Picture a ball of light above your head,” Lup said calmly.

_ NO!  _ he wanted to scream, but he didn’t. 

“Feel it move down into the crown of your head, into your mind, then down your spine…” 

As his senses went awry, heart palpitating like mad, it didn’t feel like light. It felt like fire. Her hands burned his skin. And all of a sudden, there she was again, clear as day: a lich hovering above him with a twisted, wretched face, wreathed in red lightning and smoke and rage. 

He withdrew his hands, opened his eyes, bolted up, and started walking down the dune with long strides before she could see him cry. 

“Taako?” Lup called from the top of the hill. He couldn’t turn to look at her. He was terrified this time the nightmare would come true. “Taako, what the hell?” 

“This is why I don’t fuckin’ meditate!” he yelled. “It’s stupid! It doesn’t do shit.” 

He walked down across the sand to where the waves met the sand, over and over and endless. He managed to get the anxiety back down into where it waited constantly in his chest. It seemed to be taking up more and more space these days. He didn’t want to tell Lup that he had exclusively been sleeping every few days instead of meditating every day, as elves typically would, because he couldn’t get five minutes into a breathing exercise without his mind stepping on one of the countless landmines that constituted memories and nightmares and fears, old and new. He didn’t want Lup to know that. He didn’t want her to worry anymore. 

She followed him down onto the beach. When she put her hand on his shoulder, he didn’t turn away. 

“We don’t have to meditate. It’s okay.” She rubbed a circle on his upper back. “I can catch a quick nap before we eat.” 

“Sorry I didn’t bring my zafu cushion to the beach,” Taako muttered. He was doing it again. Why did he always lash out on her when  _ he  _ was the problem? 

They stood there in silence for awhile. He kicked at a few smooth rocks in the sand below his feet. He bent at the waist, picked one up, and looked down at it. It felt cool in his hand, still burning from his freakout. He skipped it into the waves. It didn’t get very far. 

He picked up another and tossed it, once, twice, then looked at his sister. He couldn’t apologize anymore. He couldn’t  _ talk about it _ with her. And that hurt. 

But he could do this. He could make her think he was okay. 

They both eyed the rock. 

“Pull?” Taako said. That was all he had to say. 

He launched the rock with a magic missile so it soared out as far as it could go, then Lup blasted it to smithereens with a fireball. 

“Rad,” she grinned.

Taako forced a smile, his hands still smoldering like ash. 


	11. Chapter 11

Merle set the casserole dish full of mac n’ cheese down on the table. Lup let out a low whistle. He looked over at Mavis, who beamed as the table admired her work. 

“Who taught you how to cook, darling? It certainly wasn’t Merle,” Lup said, reaching for the serving spoon. 

Mavis looked down and played with the edge of the table. “I, um, I taught myself, mostly.” 

“You are so very talented!” Lup smiled. Mavis did too. 

Merle took the spoon and served some of the dish out for each kid, then himself, then paused at Taako’s plate. Taako glanced elsewhere. 

“You eatin’ with us?” Merle asked quietly as Lup continued talking. Taako shrugged. “It’s real good, I promise. Way better than the shit I make.” 

Taako folded his arms, still looking at anything but Merle. “I don’t know how you spent so much time with me and Lup and you still can’t cook for shit.” 

“I’m a dumbass! You know that.” 

Merle scooped a helping of the cheesy pasta onto Taako’s plate anyway. The elf didn’t react. 

Merle took his seat at the head of the table. The twins sat to his left, and his kids to his right. It was a strange feeling; he’d always considered the twins to be “kids” in a way. Not so much anymore, with over a century of working closely together for a century, but in the beginning, those two and Magnus and Lucretia had been so  _ young.  _ He couldn’t help but feel like he needed to look out for them. It would have been one thing if the mission had truly been months. But that reality had ended abruptly, and while he had his own struggle with the loss of their home in the wake of their impossible ship, he feared how they all would take it. Taako had been the least expressive; he said he didn’t care, that that world had brought him and his sister nothing but strife and struggle, but Merle didn’t totally buy it. 

He didn’t buy a lot of the things Taako said. Especially when he was passing things off without emotion. 

He looked over at the twins. Lup was eating her dinner, glancing at her brother every few bites. She caught his eye for a moment and, to Merle, it looked like he didn’t react. But Lup shifted a little in her seat and Taako immediately picked up his fork and played with a noodle on his plate. 

Merle had tried his best to “raise” them in the beginning. After all, they’d never really had their parents around in the first place. Taako had caught on pretty fast and pushed him away for it, but that had never really stopped Merle anyway. 

And then, once they’d both forgotten and Merle met him again, he felt the same way. Taako with his tired eyes and his pissy attitude and his secret smile. He saw a lot of himself, the self he’d come to be in Faerun, in Taako. Life was pretty fucked up, and some of it was his own fault. He tried his best to talk to Taako, or at least make him laugh, even if it was at Merle’s own expense (but usually, it’d been Magnus’s). And by the end, even before they remembered, he hoped that his friendship had meant something deep enough to Taako that it’d made any difference. And if the bonds that had tied them together as Taako had blasted John’s Hunger form from the Starblaster were any indication, he’d say that the difference had been made. 

He cared for Taako. He’d never admit it, especially because Taako would just scoff and brush him off with some remark about what a lame idiot he was, but he did. He supposed, looking between Mavis and Mookie on one side, and Taako and Lup on the other, that the twins had kind of taught him how to be an okay dad. Or at least not a shitty one. 

“Uncle Taako, I’m worried that I used too much raclette and not enough cheddar…” Mavis said, looking at the elf with a certain determination that Merle recognized as belonging to her mother, using the truth for an ulterior motive. “Could you tell me what you think?” 

Merle watched his daughter exchange a small quirk of a smile with Lup. 

Taako speared a few noodles onto his fork. “Sure kid. Only for you.” 

After that exchange, Merle noticed Taako picking at his food a little more, eating a couple bites here and there. There was a lull in the conversation Mookie was leading about tidepool creatures and Taako cleared his throat. 

“I think the balance is good, Mave. But I think you could elevate the flavor with a little parmesan next time. It won’t melt, which sounds like a bad thing, but it’ll add to the texture profile.” 

Mavis smiled and nodded as Taako took another bite. 

Once everyone had finished their meal, and Taako had his fill of about half the plate, Lup began to gather her things quietly. Merle had taken to the living room with Mookie to give the twins some privacy. Taako was leaving, after all, and though he wished he could convince him to stay one more day, because it seemed like he was starting to show some signs of feeling a little better, he knew Taako was likely restless to go home. 

He could hear them talking in the front hallway, getting bits and pieces of their conversation. 

“Merle said you can stay longer, you know.” 

“What’s the point?” 

Lup’s voice dropped to a whisper that he couldn’t hear. 

“I don’t need  _ help!”  _ Taako exclaimed quietly. 

“I know you don’t but--” and she was quiet again. 

Merle saw Mavis look up from her seat at the table where she was reading. 

“Do you  _ want  _ to stay a little longer?” 

They were silent for a long time. It took all the strength in Merle’s body not to turn and look to see if they were okay. Instead, he looked at his daughter, who had them in her line of sight. Her brows were drawn up in worry. 

And then, he heard it. The soft crying, the kind he’d heard coming from Taako’s room on the Starblaster when they were all supposed to be sleeping. From the bedroll across the campfire when Magnus would curl himself around Taako in some attempt in making him feel safe, and Merle would roll over and pretend not to know. 

Mavis looked down at her book. Merle felt helpless. He heard Taako’s footsteps go up the stairs. 

Lup returned to the room, kissed Mavis atop her head, hi-fived Mookie, and finally put a hand on Merle’s shoulder. 

“Thanks for everything. We really appreciate it, Merle.” 

The dwarf nodded, feeling a little downtrodden. He wished there was more he could do for Taako. 

“Any time, darlin’.” 

Taako’s steps came back down to the main floor. There was some shuffling and talking. Then, the door opened, closed, opened again, then closed fully. 

And then, footsteps. 

And then, Taako came and sat on the far side of the room on the other couch, brought his knees to his chest, and watched as Mookie built an intricate tower of Fantasy Legos that everyone knew he was about to knock down. 

Taako didn’t look at Merle, but he didn’t have to. Merle smiled to himself, then glanced over at Mavis. She was smiling, too. 

* * *

 

Kravitz stood up and paced the kitchen one more time. He hoped that the dessert he’d made would hold up to Taako’s finicky taste. A homemade pineapple upside-down cheesecake, he thought, might be just impressive enough that Taako would at least hear out his formal apology for their disaster of an anniversary a few days prior. When he heard the door open, he smoothed his hands over his suit and straightened his hair with a nervous hand. He wanted this to be special. He’d missed Taako. It’d been a quiet, lonely few days. 

“Hey, Krav?” Lup called down the hall. Kravitz felt a pang of momentary anxiety. Their voices sounded very similar at times. 

“In the kitchen.” 

She walked through the door alone. Kravitz peered behind her, trying to see if Taako was just following behind, or dragging his feet, or, he wished, playing some kind of joke. But his boyfriend wasn’t there. 

He looked at Lup quizzically. 

“Ah, dear…” Lup sighed, taking a hesitant seat at the island between them. “He’s, um, staying another day. But I think it might be a bit longer than that. I’m not sure.” 

“Longer?” 

He looked at the cheesecake sitting on its pedestal, feeling foolish. Missing Taako. 

After what he’d done, he understood why Taako wouldn’t want to come home. 

“He’s… I don’t know. He’s not well.” 

Kravitz tried his hardest not to get frustrated with her. “We’ve known this.” 

“Right.” 

It wasn’t like Lup to get more reserved when someone was getting irritable. Out of all of them, she’d always been the quickest to a sharp tongue, but also the quickest out of it. She needed to get cross for just a moment before rationally walking through a situation. But either way, she’d never been one to give a one-word answer, maybe ever? 

“I feel terrible,” confessed Kravitz. Lup looked up at him in confusion. Kravitz laughed a little bit. The sound was sadder than he wanted it to be. “I mean, this is my fault, after all.” 

Lup looked baffled. “What are you talking about? This has been going on since-- since long before he even met you. This isn’t your fault at all.” 

Kravitz stared down at his fingers, absently drumming on the black marble. “Right, but I was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Can’t refute that one.” 

“Something was going to do it. You just had the bad luck that the cards fell that way.” 

“I guess.” 

They sat in silence for a while, both staring down at their hands, not knowing what else they could do to fill the uncomfortable silence. He wished Taako was there. He felt childish. He wanted to be okay on his own; he had been for so long. For over a century. He hadn’t needed anyone but himself. He did his job, and he was good at it, most of the time. Except when he was making exceptions left and right for beautiful elves and all of their friends, much to the Raven Queen’s chagrin. He made a lot of exceptions for Taako. He’d broken every rule, compromised everything he’d ever promised himself about undeath. Don’t get attached. Don’t lose focus. Don’t settle down. He’d made a deal with the goddess of death, and he didn’t have a choice but to follow through with it. 

Most days his devotion to Taako won out. But there was the occasional time in which his commitments to his work, which, in all fairness, was incredibly important to the balance and safety of this existence, prevailed. Why had he chosen their  _ anniversary  _ to be one of those times? 

He cut into the cheesecake, and for the first time in a long, long time, felt tears of sorrow forming in his eyes. 

“Listen, don’t beat yourself up, okay?” Lup comforted, oblivious to the extent of his distress. “He’ll be home soon enough. Let’s mow on this cheesecake and watch a movie or something,” 

“He needed me, and I left. I-- I didn’t even think about it!” Kravitz looked up and a tear slipped from his eye. Lup looked at him, shocked silent. He laughed, sniffed, and looked upwards. “I made him think I didn’t  _ love him.  _ He got that drunk because of what I did, and all that with Magnus, with all of you, it was because of  _ me.”  _

“It was not, Kravitz, dear, please. Please believe me.” 

“It was!” he raised his voice to assert. “I love him so much.  _ So, so  _ much. I can’t even bear being apart from him for this long, and I-- I lost sight of that. I let him think I didn’t care. This didn’t happen overnight.” 

Lup looked at him, pity in her eyes. He wiped his cheeks and turned away. 

“Let’s just--” 

“I love him, Lup,” he sobbed. “I can’t bear to see him in so much pain. I love him so much.” 

Lup said nothing. She stood up and walked to him, took the pie knife from his hand, and cut and plated two slices of cheesecake. 

He had gathered himself and took the plate with one last deep breath. She squeezed his arm and started to walk towards the living room.

“I know you do,” Lup said. “I do too.” 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! thanks for sticking with me if you're still here. your feedback over the last months has meant so much to me. to know that this story that is, at its root, about recovery means so much and resonates with you all too.... i don't know, it's just crazy to me. your kind feedback has made me want to continue working on this story and see taako through the rest of what i've planned. 
> 
> i can't promise it'll be consistent or timely, but i'm going to finish this someday. thanks for letting this story mean something to you. the fact that you have means so much to me.

A few days passed without much fuss, just a lot of the same: hiding in the attic, occasionally coming downstairs or even out to the beach just to keep Merle from commenting. After a particularly restless night, Taako woke early in the morning. He hadn’t been letting himself sleep deeply enough to reach a state of dreaming, lately. Dreaming usually just meant nightmares. That was one aspect of meditation that he missed. He had more control (still, not complete, as shown by his episode in front of Lup), over his thoughts. Sleeping always gave the opportunity for complete unconsciousness. Dreamless sleep was where Taako found the most rest. But the fear of dreaming had been keeping him up. It was a vicious cycle. 

As soon as the sun peeked into the room and colored it cool purple and pink, he tossed off the quilt and got up to change. He felt a little wobbly from his lack of rest as he put on the swim trunks Lup had brought him with the couple of outfits she’d picked out. He noted that she’d left enough clothes for a few days. Perhaps this had been her plan all along. Maybe she’d been conspiring with Merle about this. 

Maybe she was trying to get him out of her hair. She was his sister, after all. Not a caretaker. 

He sighed and forced himself down the winding iron staircase and into the bathroom. He brushed out his long, wavy hair and noted the dark roots that were starting to grow in again. He looked at his reflection until he couldn’t bear to anymore. He looked like shit. Plain and simple. His eyes looked functionally  _ bruised  _ with how sunken and dark the circles around them had become. He’d broken out on his cheeks, his lips were chapped, his skin was unwashed, teeth crooked, nose long, hair messy. When tears pricked at his eyes, he hastily cast disguise self to cover up. 

The glamour covered him in an instant. He looked like his “usual” self, airbrushed and ready for the camera. He looked like himself before Wonderland. He looked like Lup again. 

That made it hurt more. He swallowed down all his tears and let the spell dissipate early. He turned away from the mirror before he could see his true self again. 

He walked down the two flights of stairs to the back door of the house, grabbing a towel from the closet of supplies just for the beach beside the door. If Merle knew anything, it was how to live the beach life efficiently. 

It was cold in the early hours by the water. He wasn’t a stranger to the breeze that carried over the water and sent goosebumps in waves over his back and arms. It reminded him of that year on the beach, waking up early every morning for dawn patrol, waiting for Barry to come out to the water with him to practice swimming. 

Taako walked down to the water, cast his towel aside, and waded in despite the cold and the wind. Barry had loved Lup for a century now. Magnus had loved Lucretia even longer. And what did he have to show for it? After all that time? 

Magnus said he loved him, but Taako had stopped believing him a long time ago. Anyone who could go back to Lucretia after what she’d done had no concept of what love was, or what it was meant to be. If Magnus loved him, how could he love someone who had destroyed him? 

Taako closed his eyes and waded deeper into the water until it came up to his waist. He took deep breaths that rattled in his lungs from the shivering the cold brought on. 

Maybe if he just pushed forward and pretended they were just  _ gone,  _ or that they just didn’t exist at all, he could make an appeal to get everyone else back. Instead of fighting, just give up entirely. Fake it ‘til you make it. He’d built a career on that already, right? He’d built a whole life on the philosophy so far. 

What a hack, he thought. Every part of him was a lie. The only person that knew the real Taako was himself. 

And he didn’t like him. 

The waves were getting a little taller. They definitely were nowhere near surf conditions today Not that he was surfing; it was just something he tended to instinctively note when he was by the ocean. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

The water was cold enough that his legs started to feel numb. As much as he wanted to stay and freeze there, the discomfort pushed him out of the water and back onto the shore. 

The beach was quiet. Merle had a private section of the cove that was closed off from the rest of the residents there. It was nice to be alone in a beautiful place. As far as his thoughts wandered, and as negative as they were, it was a relief to be able to think them at all. Cooping himself up in the house, or throwing himself into working at the school, or planning with Ren, or busying himself with Kravitz, or any of the other distractions he sought out, never helped anything. 

Of all the places he could be, this wasn’t the worst. 

He dragged himself up to the dune where he’d sat and tried to meditate with Lup the afternoon before. As he sat and curled into himself as usual, he took pause. He felt stupid. Stupid for coming here. Stupid for getting drunk at the Bureau. Stupid for fighting with Magnus. Stupid for remembering. Stupid for forgetting. Stupid for still trying to live. 

The waves lapped up on the shore; it sounded familiar. 

It wasn’t often that he wished for those days back. But thinking about how happy they’d all been back then, that year on the beach… It’d been so simple. It was a glimpse of what they all could have built together after, had they not done everything they did. 

He thought about the Stone. The town turned to peppermint candy. Maureen Miller’s soul, encased in a machine, encased in a crystal. 

He couldn’t blame Lucretia for  _ everything _ that had happened. He could admit that much. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in through his nose. He felt so tired. His stomach lurched with equal parts hunger and nausea. Eating last night had been an uphill battle he’d ultimately lost. He didn’t want everyone to worry so much. Or maybe, more specifically, he didn’t want everyone up his ass about how sick he was looked. 

He tried the grounding exercise Lup had started with him once again. He imagined light touching the top of his head, but it felt more like red lightning. He imagined roots growing from his feet and into the earth, but it felt more like black tar crawling up his ankles. 

With a quiet sigh, he opened his eyes, reorienting himself with the beach. 

He sat there atop the dune until the sun rose high in the sky and Mookie came out to play in the sand in the shade of the deck. He stood up and walked down the hill, across the beach, and back into the house.

* * *

Taako spent a lot of the day on the couch in leggings and a big shirt, staring at the ceiling, instead of doing the same up in the attic. Merle came and went. It was Monday, so he had to spend some time at Extreme Teen Adventures. “Mostly bureaucratic shit,” he’d explained dismissively. But he spent most of the day away. 

Mavis watched over Mookie. They came and went too. Taako didn’t worry about them. 

After the front hall had been invaded by a group of Mookie’s rowdy friends from the neighborhood, they ran upstairs to the air hockey table, and Mavis came and plopped down on the couch across from Taako. She didn’t say anything; she simply opened her book, reclined in her seat, and put her feet up on the coffee table. Taako was sure Merle didn’t really give a shit about the thing. And by the looks of it, Magnus had made it, and for that reason, Taako didn’t give a shit about it either. 

He thought about asking her what she was reading, but he didn’t care enough. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about  _ her;  _ Mavis was a good kid. He cared about her. He truly considered her to be his niece, and he felt proud to be family to such a bright kid. But he didn’t want to talk. He didn’t really want to do anything. 

But occupying space with someone who wouldn’t ask questions was refreshing. She wouldn’t push. She wouldn’t pry. She’d just read, and he’d lay there, and that was it. She kind of reminded him of Lucretia in that way, before all… 

He pushed the thought quickly from his mind. 

He heard Mookie laughing maniacally upstairs. He watched Mavis crack a smile, not breaking from what she was reading. 

After a long, quiet afternoon, Mavis quietly closed her book and set it down. 

“Uncle Taako?” 

Taako turned his head sideways from his position on the arm of the couch. 

She picked at one of her fingernails. “Do you want to make dinner together?” 

He swallowed. He didn’t really  _ want  _ to, but he also didn’t have the heart to tell her no. After all, she had made a really kickass mac n’ cheese. What kid put  _ raclette  _ in their pasta dish, anyway? 

She spent a lot of time alone. He saw himself in her, in that way. 

“Sure,” he nodded. “Uncle Taako clearly doesn’t have much else goin’ on.”

They spent the evening in the kitchen with Mavis leading the way. They pulled down a bunch of cookbooks from the shelves by the oven and splayed them out on the countertop. Mavis poured over their options with quiet determination before narrowing down to a few different recipes. 

Taako tied an apron around his waist, a little too short because it belonged to Merle, and put his chin in his hand. 

“Well, we could always do crêpes suzette if you wanna light some shit on fire,” he said thoughtfully, tapping a sharp fingernail on a recipe, complete with a photo of the flaming dish. “But your old man might not appreciate the flames. Or the booze. Or the fact that it’s not really dinner.” 

“You’d be surprised at what he lets slide.” 

Taako snorted. 

“Soufflé?” 

“Another day… that’s a whole thing and I don’t think we’re there yet, bubbeleh.” 

Mavis nodded thoughtfully. “Fair enough.” 

Mavis moved from the fancier cookbook she’d been focused on, to one of the more worn-looking ones. Taako followed her, looking over her shoulder. 

“I’ve never made this one before,” she said, pointing to an image of a rich looking pasta dish. 

“Garlic, shrimp, sun-dried tomatoes,” Taako muttered, reading the ingredients under his breath. “Cream sauce…. Saute, simmer… add parmesan…” 

“Oh, we don’t have parmesan, remember? Actually, we don’t have sun-dried tomatoes, either...” 

Taako laughed a little. “Oh, darling, don’t worry about that. I’ve got us  _ covered  _ in that department.” 

Taako took a bowl from the cabinet and  a half-full bag of cheddar cheese from the fridge, poured some into his hand, and as he let it fall down into the bowl below, it was parmesan. Mavis’s eyes lit up. She beamed up at him. 

“So cool,” she whispered. 

“Let’s do it to it, kiddo.”

* * *

Merle came up the stairs to the smell of shrimp and garlic, and the sight of Mavis and Taako cooking together. He said nothing as he milled about the living room and kitchen. As he flipped through his mail, he listened in on their conversation. 

“So if you simmer it slowly, the pasta won’t overcook,” Mavis stated, to Taako’s hum of confirmation. “Can you turn the sugar into salt one more time?” 

Merle flipped through a few envelopes. From behind him, he heard Mavis’s lips smack, then she made a quiet, delighted noise. He smiled to himself. 

The four of them ate dinner together quietly. Mookie asked for seconds. Merle didn’t drill them about how they’d spent the afternoon. He glowed with pride for his daughter and her kindness and her determination to lift her uncle’s spirits. He knew it wouldn’t be so simple, but she was trying. 

He’d told Taako he was spending the day at work, and that’d been partially true. But he’d mostly spent the day pulling together a bit of a gift for his old friend. And, just like Taako staying, just like dinner, just like most of the things that Merle did, there was no fuss about it. No fanfare. He left it by the backdoor to the beach and called it a night. 

He hoped, as he watched Taako pick slowly at his plate of pasta, that it’d at least keep his chin up. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyYy it's me again! sorry updates are very slow! and they will continue to be! but thanks for sticking with me.   
> i've been working on another project that i'm super excited about, more on that later, but in the meantime, have a kravitz interlude!

Kravitz sat alone in the house he shared with Taako, Lup, and Barry, fingers ghosting over the keys of the piano as he pondered playing something to fill the silence. Usually, if the house was empty, there was no real reason for him to be there. Being in his corporeal form was generally useless, if not a waste, if nobody else was around to interact with. Before Taako, he was almost always at home in the Astral Plane. No need for this body there. 

But being without Taako for as long as he had was a strange and abrupt shift from the routine he’d become accustomed to in the years they’d spent together so far. Eating, sleeping, loving, even just sitting outside in the sun, all these small pleasures he could only experience in his human form, without them his days felt a little emptier. A little darker. And so he found himself wandering, somewhat uselessly, in his body, even when he didn’t necessarily need it. 

And, of course, that all was just a piece of the bigger heartache of being without Taako. He hadn’t even called since he’d left for the beach, and Kravitz supposed that he deserved as much. With everything that had happened, with the Raven Queen calling him away on their anniversary, and with Kravitz’s meager apology, he couldn’t blame Taako much. He’d already been doing poorly, coping with all that had been done to his mind, and all that he’d gone through in this realm and the hundred worlds before it, and Kravitz was certain that his inability to be there on their anniversary, of all days, had been the last straw, however small it had seemed when he had picked up his Stone. 

His heart ached as he played a quiet melody with one hand, his fingers only pressing the keys with enough force to draw small noises from the piano. It was a song Taako had always expressed his admiration for, a fragment of a longer classical piece that Kravitz had learned in full before even he had died and become the Queen’s emissary. He’d never gotten to be a conductor like he’d once wished, but this… this humanity, it was close enough to those days that he could at least take the free time he had to simply sit by a piano again. Sit in his home and play a song for his love like, perhaps, he had once dreamed to. He could barely remember those days before he’d died. His love of life and the living had faded with time, but Taako… Taako had returned that to him, piece by piece, until he somehow felt whole. Better than he ever had, in life or in death. 

And now, he could only fear that he’d squandered it all. And not only that, but Taako was… so far away. And he didn’t have the slightest clue how he was doing, save for what Lup had shared with him. But the last thing he wanted to do was call Taako to discover that he’d been doing significantly better without him and thus destroy what progress he had made. After all, this wasn’t about him. None of this was about him. Only what he had done to make Taako worse. 

He sighed and took his hands from the piano, not knowing what to do with himself. He thought about the mess of that night on the Moonbase, only having a vague idea about what had happened from Lup and Barry’s perspectives. And what they’d shared with him was vague, probably trying to lessen the blow for him, protecting him from what he had done to Taako. Or, perhaps, saving face on behalf of Taako. He couldn’t tell anymore. 

The seven of them, they worked in a strange way. There was  _ so much  _ there, a hundred years of, well,  _ everything. _ And atop it all, the weight of Lucretia’s choice and Taako’s endless grief. How could any one person carry that alone?

He pondered, as he often did, Lucretia’s side of things. He never shared this with Taako, of course, for the obvious and perhaps catastrophic conflict it would cause in the declining state he’d been in. But Kravitz understood, with his centuries’ worth of work hunting bounties, that sometimes impossibly difficult and ultimately abhorrent decisions were made out of desperation and love.

That night… he counted backwards in his head, standing from the piano and walking back into the kitchen. It’d been almost two weeks now, since that night, and his heart ached for his love. But his empathy extended to everyone else, Lucretia included. And he felt like the disruption that night had been caused by him and his own error, and he hadn’t even gotten back in time to put a stop to it. 

He sighed and, without a thought or plan, entered the frequency for Lucretia’s Stone of Farspeech. 

“...Hello?” Lucretia answered after a pause. Kravitz blinked, realizing he hadn’t exactly prepared anything to say to the Director. “Is that you, Kravitz?” 

“Yes, Madame Director, sorry, I—” 

“Lucretia is fine, really,” she corrected, as she always did on the occasion that they spoke. 

“Do you have a moment?” 

He could practically hear the furrowing of her brow through the Stone. “Is everything alright?”

“I just wanted to apologize for what happened with Taako.” He sighed, frustrated with himself and his inability to articulate. “I know that your gatherings are important to you all, and I shouldn’t have created a situation where—” 

“I’ll stop you there, if I may. All of that, Kravitz, that wasn't..." She sighed and he could hear just how tired she was as she did. There was a long pause on the other end, as though she had something else to say, but couldn't find a way to say it. "I know you're busy, but if you have a few minutes today, could we meet?"    
  
Kravitz took pause at her request, confused but not opposed. "Of course. Is there a time that works best for you?"   
  
She chuckled in that quiet way she always had about her. "This afternoon? In an hour."   
  
"Of course. I'll see you then."   
  
Kravitz disconnected from her frequency and blinked, wondering how exactly he'd gone from calling for a vague apology to agreeing to meet. He could only hope that word of this would never get back to Taako, although he wasn't sure how it would anyway, should it really only be him and Lucretia for a brief meeting. What did she have to say that she couldn't just say to him over the Stone? Kravitz sighed and retreated up to the study to read, unsure of what else to do with himself in the meantime.   
  
When he arrived on the Moonbase, he took care to place his tear carefully in the reception area of the Director's office, thankful that nobody else, including her receptionist, was there. As soon as he had both feet on the ground, Lucretia opened the door and motioned him in. Beyond her, he saw her half-finished sandwich. She was always quite busy with something, it seemed, even after a few years of working with benevolence instead of balance.   
  
"It's good to see you," she said, rounding her desk and taking a seat in her chair. She placed the sandwich aside and smiled politely.   
  
"Always a pleasure, Madame." He took a seat and ignored the dissatisfied flinch she gave that told him the title wasn't necessary. "If I may ask, why...?"   
  
"Why did I want to meet?" And again, that chuckle, quiet but laced with self-deprecation. "It's a difficult conversation to have in the first place, never mind over the stone, yes?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"But I understand your hesitation. And I understand if being as close to Taako as you are makes you uncomfortable being here, you are absolutely welcome to go. Please don't feel obligated."   
  
"No, I'm glad you wanted to meet. I really do want to apologize, if you'll let me," he said quickly as she opened her mouth to protest. "Please. I know that you know what happened, but still, I take responsibility for it all, and if there's any way for me to make it up to you, to all of you, really..."   
  
Lucretia looked exhausted. "May I be frank with you?"   
  
"Of course."   
  
"You shouldn't take responsibility for the things he does. Because either way, they are his doing, or they're mine."   
  
"But—”

Lucretia folded her hands on her desk, then laid them flat, then folded them again. Her discomfort was palpable. "What you've given him has meant..." She sighed. It seemed neither of them could finish a thought. "It's been good for him. What little I see of him, I know that much. But it's not going to do any good to shoulder the blame for him. He doesn't need protecting, he just needs..."   
  
"Help," Kravitz finished, feeling his stomach lurch with uncertainty and sadness all the same.

“Yes,” Lucretia said softly. She looked at Kravitz, something unspoken in her eyes, and hesitated before speaking again. “Can I… Can I ask you…?”

Kravitz nodded, unsure of what else to do. Lucretia let out a short breath. 

“Is he… I hope it’s not crude of me to ask, I just… I worry about…” She looked out the windows of her office that curved upwards and gave them a full view of the sky. Outside it was sunny, a world away from the world, as the Bureau always was. Kravitz could see the weight of all the blame she carried written in the lines of her face. “How is he doing?” 

Kravitz sat still for a long time, long enough that Lucretia flinched more than once at the palpable discomfort between them. As she opened her mouth to apologize, Kravitz held up a hand calmly and shook his head. 

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “He hasn’t spoken to me.” 

Despite her best efforts to not give herself up, Kravitz saw the flash of grief that passed as a shadow over her face was lightning fast. It struck him deep in his core, deep enough that he felt it, too. He understood then, if he had not understood before, that Lucretia truly cared for Taako despite everything they’d done. She didn’t look at him, only stared out the window, a blink and a glimmer of tears swept away in an instant. 

“I see,” she said finally. She was perfectly still, her spine straight, shoulders set. Kravitz had never known Lucretia before she’d been Madame Director, and even so, he’d only ever really spoken to her a handful of times. The broadcast on the Day gave him a glimpse of what she’d been  _ before,  _ and even that had been hard to reconcile with the woman he knew. Being the Director seemed so natural to her. He wondered what she was like beyond her chair and portrait and poise. Before… 

They were both uncomfortably quiet for a small eternity. Finally, Kravitz cleared his throat and broke the silence. 

“Why did you call me here, Madame?” 

She sighed and turned her attention to him reluctantly, the weight of a century so obviously crushing her from its place on her shoulders. “To apologize to you.” 

Kravitz blinked. 

“What you’ve given Taako, it’s a gift. You…you’ve made him so happy, in a time where I feared he may never be again, but…” 

_ But he’s not happy now,  _ Kravitz finished in his mind.  _ But now perhaps he’ll never be.  _

He longed desperately for Taako in that moment. He’d been able to ignore the aching his absence left behind in the long hours he spent working and hunting bounties, but the quiet moments, the days like this one where he just couldn’t avoid the thought of his love, those were the times that knocked him back down to where he’d started that night on the moon base. He was starving for the peal of Taako’s laughter, for the shaking of his shoulders, for the grin that cracked across his face. Not a single flaw to name, and joy pouring over them both endlessly. 

Things were so quiet without Taako. Lifeless, even. He wanted him to come home, though he knew this time apart was likely for the best. He knew the apologies Lucretia had given before. He’d heard it over and over, from her, and from retellings from Taako, and sometimes even Barry or the others. But for Lucretia to apologize to him? It was not necessary.

“The things I did, Kravitz…” The look on her face held the weight of a hundred years. “It didn’t only affect the seven of us. I never thought about…  _ after.  _ At least, not like this. This is never what I wanted to happen.” 

“What’s passed has passed,” Kravitz said. “There’s much more to Taako’s troubles than what happened between you both. Blaming yourself for it all will do no good.”

Kravitz pondered, not for the first time, how it might help if Taako could truly hear her side, and she hear his. The damage could never be undone, but having some kind of peace about it would give him a place to start healing, at least. “But what if—” 

Lucretia sighed deeply. “He deserves a good life and you’ve  _ given _ that to him, but it’s marked by what he forgot, and I fear that I’ve robbed you of the true happiness you deserve.” 

“I…” Kravitz started, then laughed sortly under his breath. “You must remember who I am and who  _ Taako  _ is. It’s impossible that you all made it here. It’s impossible that a bounty hunter for the Goddess of Death could make a life with a mortal he’d come to love.” Kravitz rested his hand on the edge of the desk between them. “I am happy, Lucretia. Despite the troubles, I couldn’t love him more than I do.” 

“And I’m thankful for that, at least. I just wish… that I could fix it all.” She laughed softly, mirthlessly. He imagined Lucretia wished many impossible things. After all, as he knew so well the seven heroes of Faerun dealt exclusively in impossibilty. “I wish… Oh, I don’t know.” 

Kravitz paused, seeing it written clear across her face, her facade gone. “To talk to him?” 

She closed her eyes and shook her head, the slight twitch of her lip giving her away. “No, it won’t happen that way. I think it best that I stay away in every way I can.” 

“I had a part in this. I don’t have a right to make anything worse than I already have. So, please, don’t tell Taako we spoke. And please don’t suggest that he speak to me, I fear that would only worsen the damage.” 

Kravitz nodded. “You have my word, then.” 

He thanked her and left soon after. A creeping sense of discomfort and dishonesty moved in him. He had his own life apart from Taako; he didn’t owe him an explanation for everything he did. But meeting with Lucretia without Taako knowing felt… wrong. He sighed and flicked his scythe into his hand in front of the receptionist’s still-empty desk. He was just about to make a tear and travel to the Stockade when the door opened, and in walked Magnus. 

The shock that widened Magnus’s eyes was mirrored on Kravitz’s own face. He searched clumsily for something to say. “H-hello Magnus, it’s ah,” Kravitz stopped, a bit dumbfounded. “It’s good to see you.”

Magnus looked suddenly tense. “You too.” 

For just a moment, Kravitz let himself miss him, let himself long for him and what had once been between Magnus, Taako, and himself, before Lucretia had come back into the picture. Of course, that had driven the wedge, perhaps permanently between Magnus and Taako, leaving Kravitz in a position where it was impossible to continue having a close connection with the former.

After everything that had happened the night of Lucretia’s family dinner, things were just too heavy to hold onto. Seeing Magnus flooded him with so much he wasn’t expecting: melancholy, regret, joy, and a terrible, aching loneliness. It scared him. 

“I— Apologies, I have to go,” Kravitz said as calmly as he could. “Duty calls.” 

As he opened a tear, Magnus looked like he had something to say, but he closed his mouth and simply nodded as a farewell. Kravitz stepped through the tear, not to the Astral Plane, but to his and Taako’s bedroom. He reeled for a moment, blinking away tears. He tried to sort out the return of a myriad of long-lost emotions, but it was hopeless. He’d forgotten how it was to be human, how isolating it could be, how all-consuming loneliness truly was. He sat down on the edge of their empty bed and put his head in his hands and and wished Taako home until he couldn’t anymore. 

 


	14. Chapter 14

Taako woke from a dreamless sleep before the sun came up. Though no memorable nightmares had tormented him this time, the sick feeling that followed every morning still rose in his throat. His unconsciousness hung heavy in the back of his mind, a leaden dark curtain which took all his strength to pull away, just to start the day.

He huffed out a sigh and threw the quilt off of him all at once. It felt somewhat freeing to be away from the cocoon of blankets, despite the strange comfort that they brought him. He walked to the window to the roof and opened it wide to let some of the cool, salted air inside the stuffy attic room. The stars and dual moons were still visible in the fading night sky. Purple was just starting to bleed into the deep blue of night, pushing the dark away to start the day. The world was still sleeping, and it comforted him.

His eyes lingered on the moons for a moment, staring long and hard at the smaller of the two. His gut twisted with some unnamable feeling. It wasn’t all anger, or sadness. Some of it was good. Some of it was wrapped up with his magic lessons with Angus, or his first date with Kravitz, or the festivals and long nights spent laughing and meals shared together with people that he cared for, in some way or another. The Bureau had been home after not having one for so, so long. At least, it had seemed that way at the time, without his memories of Lup and the Starblaster. The Bureau had been a safe place to stay after years on the road, then on the run. In that way, the moonbase had been something good.

But, he supposed, the good would stick out when everything around him had been so bad. He refused to give Lucretia the credit for that.

He took a deep breath in and tried shaking the heaviness from his body, but the lingering weight of his sleep kept him curled forward on himself. He pushed himself up on the windowsill and filled his lungs with ocean air. This much was familiar and good, from long, long before they’d even come to this world. The sea was a constant, no matter how it ebbed and flowed. Maybe another swim would help. It was probably about as cold as yesterday, but he didn’t care. Cold was better than stuffy and miserable and restless in the attic.

He changed into his board shorts and tossed a big shawl, the knit, mismatched one Lup had packed for him, over his shoulders. As he crept down the spiral staircase, then past the bedrooms and down the rest of the stairs, he took care to make sure his footsteps were light and near-silent. The sunrise cast soft light over the empty living room through the tall windows that faced the sea.

He paused for a moment and looked out over the water as the sun peeked over the horizon. It’d been… gods. Nearly a century since that year at the beach. But he still remembered it with fondness. Sometimes, on the worst days, when he searched for the last time he’d felt _truly_ happy, he landed there among the memories of waves and cookouts and kisses and shitty gifts from Merle. He and Magnus had spent so many nights sitting out by the water together, watching the waves lap up against the shore beneath the moon. And he and Lup, inseparable as they’d ever been, passed the time playing cards and building sandcastles and cooking every day and night and inventing new games to try to get everyone, even Davenport, playing. It was like they were kids again, all of them, their hearts matching their bodies that hadn’t aged in the years prior.

He missed that year. He missed that feeling.

To his surprise, tears blurred his vision for just a moment. He missed that innate closeness with his sister. The unspoken and unquestioned intimacy with Magnus. And his friendship with everyone, always. Even Lucretia.

He missed when it was easier. When he was good, and loved, and worth more than what he’d become. When it didn’t all hurt so much.

He turned away from the windows and headed down the narrow staircase to exit beneath the tall back porch. But by the door, at the bottom of the stairs, something tall and brightly-colored stood leaning against the wall.

A surfboard, with a few meager flame decals on it, and a note in Merle’s shitty handwriting. _Dawn patrol?_

And again, a small prick of tears, a little laugh at how ridiculous Merle was, but appreciative nonetheless. He opened the door and carried the board out onto the sand, holding on tight. It felt natural beneath his arm, a weight he’d forgotten he’d needed to feel. He headed for the shore, discarded his shawl in the sand, and headed straight for the water. It didn’t matter that it was cold. The breeze was warmer today, and that was enough. It had to be. He felt just a little better than yesterday. And, as he got onto the board and pushed into the waves, breaking over one and rocking further into the sea, he supposed that was all that really mattered.

He surfed the whole morning, sometimes riding waves, other times just laying on the board, looking down at the water, looking up at the sky. He saw Merle come out onto the wrap-around porch far above to look out over the beach. He allowed himself to feel the tiny tug of gratitude, however reluctantly.

That day, Taako spent more time downstairs, laying on the couch as Mavis read in silence. She made dinner and, without asking, Taako gave her a hand. And after the kids had gone to bed, he sat alone on the widow’s walk, listening to the surf and trying to breathe. Meditating wasn’t an option, not now, but at least he could do this much. When the moons had risen high, he retreated inside and slept beneath the quilt with only mild dreams that he couldn’t remember. He woke at dawn to the sun and the cool morning breeze coming in through the window and, after a few minutes of debating with himself, decided to get up and surf again.

He fell into a routine as time passed. He didn’t count the days, didn’t bother, didn’t wait by the Stone for someone to call. He surfed, and he cooked, and he read books and talked with Mavis and spent nights on the porch with Merle, or up outside the attic alone. Lup came to visit a few times, just for a few hours at a time, sharing a meal or bringing by some clothes and cookies. She didn’t talk about home.

This wasn’t to say that any of it was _easy_ for Taako. Every day was its own struggle, one that took unimaginable strength. Some days he didn’t go surfing. Some days he stayed in bed until dinner, and even then, he couldn’t eat. But he tried, kept trying, kept throwing the window open and letting the ocean air inside, kept filling the whole house with spicy and sweet smells as he pushed himself back into cooking. And even though he couldn’t forget about the tangled mess of his family or the leaden weight of his own feelings, he just _kept going_ , sometimes because he had no other choice, and sometimes because he wanted to.

The kids went back to Hecuba’s for a little while, leaving him alone with Merle. The house was more quiet, more _lonely,_ almost. He found himself missing Mavis’s companionship, not having realized before just how much it had buyoyed him his past month or so at the Cove.

Eventually the spring chill disappeared and the warm summer mornings were ideal for dawn patrol. On a late morning Taako was out surfing, he watched as the kids returned home and, within the hour, changed and came out under the deck. Mavis patiently watched as Mookie played in the sand. Taako rode a few more waves in the sun, enjoying the sun. He couldn’t hear their laughter over the surf, but he knew if he could, it’d be carrying down the beach.

Eventually, Mookie made his way down to the water with Mavis not far behind. When he started waving with such enthusiasm that Taako couldn’t ignore him any longer, Taako paddled back in to shore and pulled his board from the water.

“Uncle Taako, your surfboard is so cool! I have a boogie board but it’s not like that! I want some of those fire stickers!” Mookie rambled excitedly, lisping from his multiple missing teeth. “Where did you learn to surf like that?” How do you do—”

“Slow down, little man. One question at a time.” Taako smirked, hesitating and then ruffling Mookie’s hair a little. Behind him, Mavis could not suppress the smile on her face. Taako smirked back, wordlessly welcoming her home.

Mookie hopped onto the board, pretending to surf with his arms out wide, wobbling on the beached board. He hollered and Taako couldn’t help but laugh. “Alright, you barney. Don’t hurt yourself.”

“What’s a barney?” Mookie asked loudly, not getting off the board. Mavis sighed.

“Someone who doesn’t know how to surf,” Mavis answered flatly before Taako could say a word. He turned to her, impressed and confused, with his eyebrows slightly raised. “Okay, I live at the beach, and surfing is a _thing_ here, so…”

Taako laughed sincerely at her matter-of-factness about it all. “So, you’re a grommet, then, eh?”

Mavis’s cheeks flushed a light pink as she kicked at the sand. “Well, no, not really. I just watch.”

“Fair enough.” Taako said. “Well, listen, I gotta go…” He looked in the direction of the house, feeling exhaustion creeping in, though he couldn’t really nail down the cause. “I’ll be back up at the house, but I’ll talk to your dad about learning, if you really want to.”

“Aw, DIP! Really? That’d be so wicked!” Mookie cackled, jumping up and down on the board.

“Really. But I gotta get my board back in the meantime, sound Gucci?”

Mookie jumped off the board and let Taako hoist it up under his arm. “You too, Mave. Mean it.”

Mavis smiled, looking a little shy, and nodded.

Taako headed back up the beach and into the house, feeling oddly spent and anxious, and set his board beneath the deck. As he took stock of his thoughts and cast the sand and water off his body, realized he was longing for _their_ beach, that plane decades and decades ago. As the sudden train of thought hit him, he opted frantically to think of home instead, but his mind was flooded with a sudden sore sadness, just longing for Kravitz to hold him, to ground him in the present. He only felt worse.

* * *

Merle was halfway through his sandwich when he heard Taako enter through the back door and quietly come up the stairs into the kitchen. He made himself to look like he was even more interested in his lunch than he already was. He heard Taako stop at the top of the stairs and pause in the doorway to the living room.

“How’s the board treating you?” Merle asked without turning his head. Neither of them had acknowledged the gift in the past few weeks, allowing it to be an unspoken kindness. Merle figured it was better to let Taako do what he wanted rather than put the pressure on for gratitude. After all, he’d given it to Taako for Taako, not for fanfare.

“The flames are definitely not as rad as my OG board…” Taako said slowly, drumming his fingers on the wall. “But... thanks. Sorry I didn’t, uh...”

“Nah, don’t.” Merle chuckled high in bemusement, shaking his head as he chewed a mouthful of his sandwich. “Couldn’t have you down by the beach without a board. Seemed like a waste.”

Taako shrugged and padded up behind him, taking a seat across from Merle at the kitchen table, sand and water already wicked away from his body and suit by prestidigitation. “Kids are asking if I’ll show ‘em the ropes, but…”

“But?”

“I guess if it’s cool with you.”

Teaching the kids to surf. Relief washed over Merle as he watched Taako stand up and begin to fix himself lunch. It was taking time, so much more time than he had thought it would, but there was a glimmer there, still, of who Taako had once been. And it was shining through today. He just hoped that it would stay.

“Long as you want to,” Merle said, watching Taako’s mage hand take bread and peanut butter from the pantry while Taako himself grabbed marmalade from the fridge. “You can teach ‘em whatever you want, as long as you don’t mind having them in your hair.”

Taako shrugged, not saying anything as he transmuted the marmalade to blackberry jam. A favorite from the Starblaster days. He came and sat back at the table, eating slowly in silence. Merle studied him there in the noontime light streaming in through the tall windows, his long blonde hair gone wavy with sea salt, his skin a bit more tan than it had been before. Even just talking, cooking, eating, he was… well, he _seemed,_ so much better than he had been even just a few weeks ago. And, though he tried his best to not get too hopeful, Merle felt a little lighter for it, too.

Taako cleared his throat, swallowing and casting yet another mage hand to get himself a glass of water. It floated down into his hand and he sipped. Merle could tell from the look that had taken Taako’s face that something was on his mind, and it probably wasn’t good. His stomach sank as he realized that maybe his hopeful train of thought had come too soon. “So, am I paying rent, or is this like, lockdown? Do I get visitors?”

Merle furrowed his brow, unsure where this was all coming from. “Kid, you can leave anytime you want.” Merle sighed. “It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Taako…” Merle wanted to be frustrated, wanted to tell Taako that he was only trying to help, but he knew that Taako was just poking at the issue to move backwards on the positive shift of his progress. He wanted to ask what was wrong, because obviously this wasn’t coming out of nowhere, but Merle knew better than to prod. He shook his head and got up to go to the refrigerator. “Hey, if you wanna be mad about a free vacation, be my guest, man. You can go back to signing cookbooks and reading applications if that’s really what you’d rather be doing.”

Taako was quiet for a long moment, a long exhale through his nose the only sound in the room, save for the distant sigh of waves crashing on the beach far below.

“It’s not…” Taako started, then stopped. Merle took a bowl of strawberries from the refrigerator and put them on the table between them, sitting down and going back to his sandwich in hopes that Taako would continue. They both sat there in the quiet for a few moments longer before Taako drew a tiny breath and said, “I just miss Kravitz.”

Merle tried to hide the small look of surprise and pity that crossed his face, keeping his eyes on his food.   

“Well, he’s always welcome to come by. Give him a call?”

Taako got up from the table, expressionless, and headed for the stairs.

“Or I’ll call him if you wanna play hard to get!” Merle shouted after him. Taako didn’t laugh, only disappeared up into the second floor and out of sight. Merle sighed to himself, paused, then pulled out his Stone. No harm in calling the Grim Reaper for the hell of it, right?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY SO SORRY if you got this update email, I fucked up and deleted it, so I apologize! I hope you still get to read this one!!! i'm sorry the wait has been so long (as usual...) this is a project i work on pretty on and off, so i appreciate the patience. i was really sitting on this chapter and planning on putting a diff one before it, but i just want to put it out there, bc it's honestly my fav chap so far and also one of my fav things i've written overall and i think y'all will really enjoy it so... i hope you do! 
> 
> JSYK: this chapter does deal with a lot of self-image stuff and negative self talk, so if that is a trigger for you, please be aware. i do (try to) handle it sensitively though, as that's something personal to me as well.

On a morning days later, after he pulled himself back into shore from dawn patrol, Taako forced himself into the shower. The water ran too-hot over his back and shoulders, the steam burning his eyes and rolling off his face enough to mask the swell of emotion that came from the force it took just to take care of himself on a particularly hard day like this one. There was no particular reason, the day was just… heavy. When he finished, he wrapped himself in his robe and took the spiral staircase up to the attic. 

Today, even climbing the stairs felt like a chore. But he was there. He was up, and he’d gone surfing, and he took a shower, and it wasn’t even breakfast time yet. And that, Taako supposed, was something to at least acknowledge. (To be proud would be foolish, he thought, though he lingered on the feeling anyway.) 

When he reached his little room, cozy and familiar now (the candles and beads and rich fabrics and the same old quilt and that big window that opened onto the widow’s walk, they had all done their mundane magic, in that way,) there was a new sight that took his breath away. There, seated on the end of his bed, wearing a three-piece suit and a tiny, uncertain smile, was Kravitz. 

Taako’s heart seized in his chest as he froze at the top of the stairs, nearly wobbling back down on the last step. Fat tears welled in his eyes instantly, and he would have hated himself for it had he not been so overwhelmed by how much he  _ loved  _ the man before him. 

Kravitz moved as if he was going to get up, and said, “Dove—” 

And, appropriately, Taako nearly flew to him. Ran into his arms so fast that he knocked Kravitz flat onto his back. And Kravitz laughed and reached to cup Taako’s cheek, to kiss him hello, but he just found him crying.

“Oh,” Kravitz breathed, and finding himself unable to draw another breath in the presence of his lover’s tears, he embraced Taako as tightly as he could and laid him down beside him on the old quilt. 

From the window, warmth beamed through the attic. This moment frozen in time, this snowglobe of dust motes and sunlight… Taako clung tighter to Kravitz. When he sobbed into the cool crook of Kravitz’s neck, the heat of his breath warmed the skin beneath for a moment. And Kravitz rubbed his back. And it felt like home. 

Taako laughed and the sound was thick and muffled by blanket and suit jacket and skin. Kravitz smelled of ozone and home, (Taako didn’t know the smell anymore, just that it was home. Warm and spiced and clean and old and home.) And it broke his heart as he realized just how long he’d gone without Kravitz, and just how much he  _ missed _ home. 

“I’m sorry,” Taako said, laughter gone as fast as it had come, still hiding his face as he wept. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t call. It wasn’t—” 

“No, don’t,” Kravitz said softly. He smoothed a hand gently over Taako’s hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you feel worse if being here was making you feel better.” 

Taako looked up at him, eyes watery, and laughed. “You think hearing from you could ever make me worse? You’re here and this is… it’s the best day since… I dunno, forever. And here I am, like— I— you come all this way and all I do is knock you on your ass and cry on you?” 

“You knock me on my ass all the time, darling.” 

Taako sniffed. “I don’t deserve you.” 

Kravitz guided Taako’s face with one lukewarm hand until they were parted just enough for him to look Taako in the eyes. 

“You already know what I’m going to say, yes?” 

Taako sniffled again, then laughed under his breath. “How many guesses do I get?” 

“Just one.” 

Kravitz thumbed tears from Taako’s cheeks as Taako pretended to think hard, his eyes wandering everywhere except to where they might meet Kravitz’s gaze. More tears fell without his permission. 

“Hm, alright bones... “ and Taako cleared his throat and put on his best impression of his boyfriend. “‘You deserve the world,  _ darling,  _ and I’d give it all to you if I could.’” 

“Ah, yes,” Kravitz beamed. He leaned forward and kissed Taako swiftly, reaching up so both his hands could hold Taako’s face steady to his own. “I couldn’t have said it any better myself.” 

Another rush of tears took him and Taako immediately burrowed back into Kravitz’s embrace to hide himself. Kravitz didn’t protest; he held Taako tighter and stroked his hair and rubbed circles over his back until his breathing slowed and the muscles of his back started to relax. Slowly, he pressed the pad of his thumb along the knots of Taako’s spine, letting the quiet stretching of the morning draw the sadness out of them both to be released into the crisp ocean air. 

When Kravitz tried to separate from him, Taako whined and pulled tighter. 

“I’m coming right back,” Kravitz murmured, and it was true. He rose from the bed, opened the window wider, and let the breeze into the attic room. 

Taako rolled over onto his back and lay there for a moment, just looking at Kravitz as he stood at the window, haloed by daylight and the blue sky. Taako had loved Kravitz since… almost as long as he had known him. But he’d never loved Kravitz as he loved him now. Without the fanfare of lust or style or impression, without his half-truths or his survival instinct, without any pride at all, he loved Kravitz. Wholly, deeply, humbly. Simply. 

Kravitz turned to look at Taako on the bed with his disheveled bathrobe and his damp blonde hair. Taako wasn’t wearing a glamour, and a mild shock rolled through him as Taako realized he didn’t much care, not right now, not alone here with him. 

“You look… well, Taako.” 

Taako saw the glimmer of tears in Kravitz’s eyes before he swallowed them down and just  _ beamed  _ with joy. Taako didn’t  _ feel  _ well, at least, not in the way he’d hoped he might after doing this small amount of self-care. But the look on Kravitz’s face was so genuine that he couldn’t combat the statement. 

“Oh, this old thing?” Taako teased instead, pointing a toe up and out in the air in Kravitz’s direction, causing the robe to slip down his thigh. Kravitz shook his head and chuckled, taking Taako’s foot tenderly into his hands and pressing his thumbs into the arch. After a brief massage cut short by Taako’s predictable squirming due to ticklish feet, Kravitz eased the leg back down and crawled back into bed beside him. 

“I’m serious,” Kravitz murmured, running two long fingers down the center of Taako’s chest where the robe parted. Taako realized, perhaps just as Kravitz did, that the bones beneath were masked by flesh and fat again, as they should be, and his sallow skin had grown tan and warm. “I… I missed you.” 

“Don’t— don’t go all soft on me, ghost—” 

Kravitz guided Taako into another kiss, this time with something bitter burning at the back of his throat. Something urgent and raw and relieved. 

When they parted, Taako felt tears on his face that weren’t his. 

“Indulge me, my love. Just for a moment.” 

Taako couldn’t say anything. The sight of Kravitz crying had always stilled him silent. 

Kravitz’s hand wandered beneath Taako’s robe and cupped around his ribs. Slid upwards and over his chest. Down to his waist. And the robe came untied, and Taako lay there, unglamored and still in the quiet morning, letting Kravitz’s hands fall just as gently as his tears. 

“I’m sorry,” Kravitz breathed over Taako’s skin. Taako knew what he was sorry for. For their anniversary, for the way Taako had left, for all the pain that had gathered inside him before. But those things didn’t matter now, not anymore. Not like they had when he… when home had become another place that felt  _ wrong.  _

But now, this: Kravitz was touching him, and Taako was letting him, and they were both crying, and for once, Taako felt like he was going to be okay. 

Kravitz held him tighter, pressed his palms firm into Taako’s flesh and let his touch be a second, third, fourth apology. And, “ _ I’m sorry. Oh, Taako, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, _ ” pouring from him like a brook, smoothing rough and ancient stones with flowing patience. 

Instead of stopping him, Taako took his hands and held onto them so tightly that he thought he might never let Kravitz go. Kravitz raised his head and looked up at Taako, his dark gaze raw and ashamed. 

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness for what I’ve done, but I—” 

Taako’s lip quivered as Kravitz spoke. “I forgive you,” he blurted out. How strange it felt, to forgive. To tell a truth that had been true since the night Kravitz had hurt him. Taako had forgiven Kravitz long ago. And to say so out loud felt like freedom. 

“I don’t—” 

It was Taako’s turn to cradle Kravitz’s face in his gentle hands. “Too bad. Already did. Weeks ago, actually.” Kravitz laughed tearfully and Taako kissed him. “You shoulda just called and saved yourself the trip.” 

Kravitz chuckled softly, looking down and away from Taako’s gaze, a tear rolling quickly down his face. “I would never pass up a chance to see you, Taako. I missed you so much, I can’t even begin to describe—” 

“Hey, I get it.  _ Months  _ of Merle? And on top of that, absolutely no time in the bone zone? I’m dying over here.” 

Kravitz laughed again, harder this time, sniffing and letting Taako brush his tears away. “Well, I’m here now. And as promised, we can spend the day doing whatever you like, uninterrupted.” 

They dressed for the day, both of them in board shorts, as Taako had requested some time by (and if he could coax Kravitz,  _ in)  _ the water. They ate breakfast, just eggs and toast, but breakfast, nonetheless, on the porch overlooking the water together. Merle greeted Kravitz warmly, obviously feigning surprise, but Taako wasn’t a fool. He knew Merle’s hand, wooden or not, had been in this. And, as usual, he felt the same old tug of gratitude that he’d never admit to there in his gut. 

They went down to the water together, walking along the shore and letting the tide flow around their ankles, Taako wrapped in a cover-up and his hair tied back in the wind. They laughed together and, once Taako had cast their belongings to the shore with magic, they jumped into the waves and tumbled into the water together, reaching for each other as the water byoyed them together. 

When the kids came down to the shore, Mookie with a small parade of friends behind him, Taako grinned at Kravitz with a  _ plan,  _ a cleverness that’d been lost to him for so long. and into the afternoon, they surfed on waves manipulated by magic, turned to ice for a board to glide effortlessly over, or exploding into an illusory fireworks show, just because. 

The kids scattered to their respective homes for the evening and Taako and Kravitz retreated to the top of the dune, looking far out over the shore before them. They talked for awhile as they enjoyed the other’s company after being away for so long. Kravitz told him about the things he’d missed, the comings and goings of Angus, and yes, of course, Ren was making her usual good work of the school. Kravitz held him as the sun made the whole world halcyon and perfect, and for the first time in a very long time, Taako felt okay.

When they returned to the house, sun-kissed and tired from the time spent swimming in the waves and firing off spells in the sand, Taako perched himself on the edge of his bed. He watched with fondness, however cautious of these positive emotion he was, as Kravitz instantly materialized in a suit adorned with gold and ruby red embroidery, the beads in his braids made to match. 

Taako whistled. “Looking sharp, Kravvie. All this for dinner with the kids?” 

“Well, I was thinking, perhaps we could go out for dinner?” 

Taako paused at the unexpected proposition. He hadn’t really been  _ out  _ anywhere, not since he’d arrived. And going  _ out  _ was usually an invitation for prying eyes and prying folks eager to meet one of the  _ saviors  _ of Faerun and whatever. And usually that was fine for Taako, but that hadn’t been on the radar since before, and it wasn’t exactly his ideal end to the night, but Kravitz looked… 

Taako looked up at him and met his eyes, feeling the earnest desire to just do something  _ normal.  _ Do something like they used to. And probably to make up for their anniversary which, as soon as his mind veered in that direction,  _ no, no, please, not right now.  _ Maybe it would be good to get out. Maybe he could just push himself for a smile and they’d end up having a great time. He’d missed Krav after all, right? Taako wanted a nice night. He wanted some normalcy, and this was his chance, if he could just calm his mind and reach out for something just out of his comfort zone... 

After some pause, ignoring the slight sinking in his stomach, Taako said “Sure, yeah. Yeah, we can.” 

Kravitz smiled wide and, of course, how could Taako say no to that? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Kravitz this happy. And that, in itself, was reason enough to humor him tonight. How much damage had he done that he’d sucked the joy out of his boyfriend’s life, too? 

“Excellent,” Kravitz said, craning down to kiss Taako’s forehead. “You get ready, no rush, okay?” 

Taako nodded and walked to the closet, flipping through the various items hanging, not even touching the huge mess of clothes on the floor. Each time Lup had come, she had brought a few more things to wear, and Taako had put no effort into keeping them clean or organized. That’s what magic was for, and most days he didn’t bother using energy for even that. He moved past his favorite dresses long and short, casual, flowing, meshy, revealing, and of course he could use magic to modify them however he liked, but he pulled a long, summery dress that he’d made more practical use of in the weeks he’d been at Merle’s, good for walking on the beach, and pulled it over himself easily. He didn’t feel half bad. 

“Oh, love,” Kravitz said, coming up behind him. There were no mirrors in the room (sometimes, he just couldn’t bear to look into them) but he figured Kravitz’s approval was enough as it was. “You look marvelous.” 

Taako laughed, trying to hide the mild unease he felt. “Ha, yeah, thanks.” 

Taako felt warm, the attic suddenly stuffy despite the window having been open for most of the day. The walls felt too close and his skin crawled as he imagined different variations of a night out as he was now. People staring, people talking, people laughing when they think he won’t hear. People asking questions, people wanting answers. And he didn’t have any. What could he say? _Sorry I’ve been MIA, I made a fucking mess of my life and I’ve been on sabbatical with the Birds’ resident dad?_ Or, _Yeah, you know, had a big falling out, but I’m totally cool now. Nothing to see here._ And what if they asked about Magnus? Or worse, _Lucre—_ No. Not now. He swallowed hard and pleaded with the less-sensical side of his mind that was brewing and bubbling with old and new anxieties all the same, finally bringing them to a screeching almost-halt, though the pushing felt endless and too hard for his current strength. 

“Dove?” 

Taako looked up, his wide eyes dry from staring at god-knows-what, realizing he’d been distracted by the spinning of his own thoughts. 

“Whoops, space cadet, right?” Taako said, obviously overcompensating and not even giving Kravitz time to interrupt. “Gonna go freshen up and then cha’boy’ll be so good to go, yeah?” 

He dipped down onto the staircase before Kravitz could form an answer and took the stairs two at a time, practically flying for the bathroom door. He felt so exhausted already just from the worrying. The good day out on the beach with Kravitz had taken all his energy, and he had nothing left to give tonight, but god, he had to do this. He had to. He had to let Kravitz have this joy. After everything he had done to him, how he had dragged him down into his own turmoil and spiraling sadness, he could give him this much. Why was it so hard to just… give him this one thing?

Taako swallowed the knot in his throat and splashed water on his face, blinking several times and waiting for the redness to leave his eyes. He looked… terrible. Just, terrible without a glamour. He’d forgotten just how bad he’d let his appearance get without any pressure of the public eye. Kravitz’s kind words had distracted him long enough today, felt golden and warm and genuine enough that the shine of it all let him forget, but no, just, no, he couldn’t go out like this. He sighed and lifted a hand to cast his glamour, focusing on a fresh face, makeup to match, eyes that sparkled and had no bags beneath, and then… 

Nothing. 

He took stock, feeling a wave of exhaustion and nausea roll though him as he realized he didn’t have a single spell slot left. No disguises, no arcane cosmetics, and his pendant, the one he’d had crafted specifically to cast Disguise Self once an hour without using his slots, was at home. Lup hadn’t brought it, and he’d never had use for it here where he’d resigned to looking as miserable as he felt most days. 

His eyes welled with tears as he clutched the cool porcelain of the sink, trying to look at himself but finding his vision far too blurry to focus on anything at all.  _ Stop stop stop stop stop being a fucking baby and suck it up and just go to fucking dinner,  _ he cursed himself, tears rolling, his whole body trembling. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t even bear to move from where he stood, feet frozen to the tile, hands fused to the sink. 

He couldn’t stand how he looked. Couldn’t possibly bear the weight of what Wonderland had done to him, how they’d taken the one thing that made him  _ him.  _ He really  _ couldn’t _ leave without a glamour; just the idea of it made his skin crawl, people seeing him like this, what they must think, the judgment they must pass, they way they all would stare and gawk and thank their gods that they didn’t look like him. 

And, worst of all, the thought he always came back to: his face, it didn’t mirror Lup’s anymore. Every day she was a reminder of how beautiful he’d been, how beautiful he  _ could  _ be, had the Wheel spun differently. Had Lucretia not sent them to fucking Wonderland. Had the Bell not wound up in the hands of liches, had it never been cast out into the world, had the relics never been made in the first fucking place. He didn’t even know who to blame anymore. 

But it didn’t matter now. He could curse his life all he wanted and place the blame for the humiliation he felt when he caught himself in the mirror, but it wouldn’t change anything. 

And there he was again, powerless, thrown to his hands and knees at the feet of Fate. All of this, all this way, a century and then some, a hundred worlds, so many of them filled with  _ joy.  _ How was he happier running from the Hunger than he was in this ending they’d all earned? How did the return of his memories level him with twice as much force as the loss of them? 

He stared at himself, disgusted with the way his face contorted as he cried. He felt so stupid. He wanted to tear the dress off his body, cut all the hair from his head, crawl out of his skin, become nothing, no one, just, dust. It’d feel better than this. 

Anything would feel better than this. 

He couldn’t tell how long he’d been standing there when Kravitz’s voice finally came, his hesitance ringing clear through the door. 

“...Taako, are you almost…?” 

Taako bit down on his lip hard enough to send a jolt of pain running down his jaw. He couldn’t answer, but he couldn’t give himself away. 

His breath came faster with his thoughts as they spun out, too fast to understand. Again, he tried to plead without words, will himself into a peaceful mind, but there was just nothing, nothing left, nothing to stop what he’d set into motion. 

“Can I come in? Are you al—”

Taako tried to tell him he was fine, to not come in, that he wasn’t ready, that he just needed one more minute and he’d be good, but as soon as his teeth lost their grip on his lip, a sob escaped him. The taste of iron touched the tip of his tongue where his bite had latched on. He reached out to cast a mage hand to lock the door, because at least he could still do that, but he didn’t have enough control to use it before Kravitz came in anyway and, upon seeing him in the pathetic state he was in, quickly closed the space between them. 

“Love, what happened, what—“ Kravitz breathed, touching his cheek. Taako withdrew from his hand, but Kravitz followed, anticipating the unsteadiness of his legs and easing him down onto the edge of the bathtub. He closed the door quickly and knelt down in front of Taako. “Please, talk to me.” 

“I can’t—“ Taako started, but he choked on the words as soon as they left him. He couldn’t  _ what?  _ He couldn’t go out for dinner? He couldn’t get it together enough just for that? He couldn’t cast a spell? He couldn’t function without hiding his face? 

“We don’t have to— we can stay— we can—“ Kravitz stammered. Taako could barely hear his voice. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, my love, I’m—“ 

Taako shook his head, trying to pry himself away from Kravitz to no avail. His cold hands felt freezing, painful, even, against Taako’s skin.

“Please,” Taako whispered, managing to draw one long, shuddering breath. Kravitz withdrew his hands and leaned back onto his heels and Taako could barely stand to be in his presence like this. The shame washed over him in waves. He hated himself in that moment: for wasting this second chance, for stifling Kravitz’s happiness, for the abundant and overflowing return of his senseless, meaningless grief. He wanted to curl into himself, to hide beneath the old quilt in the attic and close the windows from the ocean air and forget, forget everything, ink out all of his mind again and never raise the ichor to his lips. 

How selfish, he thought. 

With that, what little energy he had left to even panic turned to nothing and he leaned forward into his own hands. His crying subsided and he sat there, his wide eyes open and empty, the sound of Kravitz’s shallow breathing the only thing left to focus on. And then he was sorry, again, for all he had wrought. 

He had to say  _ something.  _ Another shaky breath. “I couldn’t—” Taako swallowed hard, staring at the tiny brushed-stone tiles of the floor. “I need a glamour, and my spell sl—” 

Kravitz pushed forward immediately and pulled Taako into a hug with such force he felt he might lose his balance and tumble back into the tub. But Kravitz held him there tightly, still as a stone, his cheek cool against Taako’s neck. They sat like that for a long time, Kravitz’s arms around him and Taako’s helpless at his sides. Taako stared at the top of his own head in the mirror, grateful that he couldn’t see his face.

“I’m sorry.” Kravitz breathed, putting space between them. “I’m so sorry. I should have asked, I should have—” 

“It’s my fault!” Taako blurted out abruptly, too loudly, too quickly. The guilt trickled through his chest like poison, killing him swiftly from the inside out. Heat rose in his cheeks, his tears welling back up, but Kravitz placed a cool, soothing hand on his face.

“No. No, it’s not. I was inconsiderate and that was my own mistake. Please, let me make it right, Taako. What do you want to do?” 

Taako shook his head, looking up at the ceiling instead of at Kravitz. He didn’t want to do anything. He wanted to go to bed and sleep until all of these feelings that raged on went away. 

“Do you want me to go?” 

Taako’s stomach dropped immediately to the floor. No, no, no that was worse, so much worse. If Kravitz left again, he’d never come back. He knew it. 

“I— I— I just want…” Taako stammered, reaching for a handful of Kravitz’s suit jacket. “I just want to lay down.” 

That was all he had to say. In an instant, they were back in the attic with Kravitz’s arms around him still, Kravitz having teleported them both to the edge of his bed, Kravitz still kneeling on the floor beneath him. Kravitz stood slowly and reached for the softest pants and the loose tank-top atop the pile of clothes on the floor, knowing they were Taako’s favorite. Taako sniffled in the silence and Kravitz undressed him with care, helping him into the pajamas. Outside, the sun had just began to descend to the horizon, casting reds and oranges and golds about the room. Kravitz nearly glowed before him as his hands, warmer now, moved slowly over his arms and legs. And when Taako was dressed, Kravitz himself rematerialized in his own comfortable clothing, a modest pair of lounge pants and a well-fitted shirt. He pulled the blanket away and Taako slowly crawled beneath it, then Kravitz got into bed beside him. Hesitantly, feeling unworthy and overwhelmed, Taako settled against the firm surface of Kravitz’s chest. 

“Oh,” Kravitz said softly, and with some deal of awkward maneuvering, his scythe appeared in his hand and he made a small slice through the air. He reached through and rummaged around for a moment (and did he hear  _ Barry’s  _ voice calling “hey!” through the tear?) and produced a small container of ice cream and two spoons. “A treat, for us both, then.” 

Taako managed a laugh, one that shook as a leaf and blew away at the slightest breeze, but a laugh, nonetheless. Kravitz’s smile in return was so kind, so  _ right,  _ Taako wondered how so much good could exist in a singular being. His mind demanded he follow the thought with the other undeniably good force he knew, shoved the image of Magnus’s smile into focus, and he pushed it away so quickly that he still reeled as he took the spoon from Kravitz’s cold hand. When he didn’t move otherwise, Kravitz took a small scoop of ice cream and held it near Taako’s mouth. 

He could do this. He could give Kravitz this much. He could give  _ himself  _ this much. 

He took the bite of ice cream and appreciated it for what it was, cold and chocolatey and decadent. Definitely stolen, definitely Barry’s, and that made it just a little better, too. Kravitz kissed the top of his head and took a bite for himself. 

Taako swallowed and rid his throat of the dryness that had been there otherwise. “Ice cream for dinner?” he joked with a small fraction of his heart. “If Bird Mom finds out…” 

Kravitz chuckled as Taako took a spoonful for himself. “I trust you’ll keep this our secret, then.” 

The slight quirk of Taako’s lips was genuine, and that was enough. 

They sat there together for a long time, after the sun disappeared below the line of the distant sea and twilight fell over the cove, and they finished the ice cream in shared silence. Taako leaned against Kravitz and let himself savor the soft fabric of his shirt beneath his cheek, Kravtiz’s nimble fingers weaving through his hair and tucking a lock behind his ear. His thoughts that had sent him spinning before drained away and left him exhausted and heavy, but not empty. Not alone. 

“It’s beautiful here,” Kravitz said thoughtfully, his gaze on the big window that led out to the roof. “I’m jealous this place gets to keep you for now.” 

“It takes care of me, I guess,” Taako nodded, following his eyes. Outside, purple faded to deep blue and stars blinked into sight. “Hm. Remember my birthday that first year?” 

“The observatory, yes.” Kravitz smiled fondly. 

Wordlessly, Taako cast the quilt off of himself and crossed the room to the window, crawling out onto the widow’s walk. Kravitz’s warm chuckle sounded from behind him as he followed soon after. He found Taako there, knees tucked into his chest, looking out at the water. He had draped the quilt over his own shoulders and shared it with Taako as he took a seat next to him. Taako burrowed into his embrace and nested in the blanket beneath Kravitz’s chin. Kravitz hummed softly to him as they watched the sky and pointed to streams of comets and constellations far beyond. And below, the waves crashing at the shore, over and over, the sound filling the night around the two of them. 

Taako let it all fall away. Melted into Kravitz’s touch and allowed himself to relax and rest. He knew that tomorrow Kravitz couldn’t stay, but he had him here now. And that was enough. 

Sleep slipped over him without prelude. He only realized he’d been nodding off at all when Kravitz lifted his chin with two fingers and roused him from the brink of dreaming. 

“Let’s go to sleep, my love.” 

Taako hummed in protest, but Kravitz helped him back through the window and tucked him into bed, coming under the blankets behind him to hold him close. Taako fell asleep like that, tucked safe beneath his arm, all pieces of his mind that might have done him harm kept away by Kravitz’s solid presence beside him. He slept soundly and dreamt of silver strings tied from the moon to the Astral Plane, and when he woke, he rolled over and pulled himself closer into Kravitz’s arms. 

They drifted in and out of dreams, in each other’s orbit and gravitating naturally together as they slept. Eventually, Kravitz woke him with kisses, soft and sweet against his parted lips. Taako kissed him back and pushed forward into his embrace and his chest swelled so quickly with emotion he thought he might burst. He hooked a leg over Kravitz’s hip, and then, when his heart took him over and hammered high for Kravitz, Kravitz, only Kravitz, he pulled himself on top of him and covered his face in kisses. Every movement of Taako’s hips, every touch of his hands, every brush of his lips, all of it pouring freely from him in love. In gratitude. In sacred, shared forgiveness. 

They made love, warm and sleepy and quiet beneath the quilt. Taako fucked him slowly, carefully, listened for every soft moan and huff beneath his breath. Kravitz told him there, his lips pressed to Taako’s ear, whispering:  _ “You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever known.”  _ Taako pulled closer, Kravitz’s arms draping around his back, and kissed him with every last ounce of himself he could muster. 

Kravitz came and Taako followed soon after, clinging close to each other, reveling in the feeling of home, again, finally, home. Taako held himself up above Kravitz as his breath rose and fell with his chest and he gazed down at him. As Kravitz looked up, the moonlit glimmer of tears gave him away.  Affection and great uncertainty overwhelmed Taako. every last piece of him completely spent and buzzing. Kravitz smiled and offered a fond, wet laugh. 

“You… you are a  _ miracle _ , my dove.” He said, reaching up to cup Taako’s cheek in his warm palm. “A miracle of plane and fate and circumstance.” 

Taako exhaled, believing him.  _ Allowing  _ himself to believe him. 

Kravitz loved him. Taako felt it stirring in his chest and pouring through his ribs. Kravitz loved him, and he was still here, and he still wanted him, despite it all. 

Taako craned down into his touch and closed his eyes, listening to Kravitz’s satisfied hum there beneath him as he ran his fingers through the golden curtain of his hair. And beyond them, through the open window, the light of dual moons poured over them as they kissed, again, again, again. And there, Kravitz loved Taako. And Taako loved him. 

Taako loved him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and, self-plug time: the reason why i've been so quiet is because i have been working on the series i share with @epersonae, [the only life you could save](https://archiveofourown.org/series/910215) which deals with lucretia and taako's friendship and their shared love of magnus, and what that looks like postcanon in a different timeline than this one. that is to say, working towards a way to move forward and grow. so! we have finally started posting a longfic as part of that timeline: [The Reckoning Arrives](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16251296/chapters/37995752)! long story short, taako, lucretia, merle, and carey go to hunt kalen down on magnus's behalf. it's goofs heavy, feels heavy, and taako heavy, so i figure yall might have an interest. either way, thanks for sticking with me-- it means a whole lot.


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